• My dearest Scotty,

    by  • June 29, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Closure • 0 Comments

    Where to begin… First I doubt you will ever see this, I doubt you will ever know how bad you hurt me. These doubts though give me strength… A strength to pour my heart out and tell you something you would have never known. The day I met you I thought that your smile was the most amazing thing I had seen, it brought such warmth to your eyes. It made you seem so friendly. I miss that smile, I miss those warm inviting eyes. We had a lot of fun that night, you drove me home and it was obvious neither of us wanted to leave so soon so we walked around the lake in my backyard. That was a special night for me. It took two days before I realized I missed the feeling you gave me, the quickness of my heart beat, the fluttering in my stomach, the pull you had on me. I tell you this cause I know you’ll never read it. I tell you it to help me heal. The third day after our date we hung out again…and almost everyday after that for six months, we talked about everything, past present and future. I dropped out of high school for you. I know I said it was for me, but you made starting a life with you sound so amazing. I got two jobs and started working full time. I was seventeen and living in your car with you for most nights cause of the stress at my house, you would hold me and remind me that one day we would be on our own bed. One day you decided to take me to get ice-cream and that’s when I told you I was late. That same night we checked in an Arby’s bathroom to find out I was pregnant, you didn’t want to keep it. You said we would keep the next one. You don’t know how much that crushed me. It was our responsibility. You kept trying to set dates at the planned parenthood but I’d cancel with some excuse. Finally I was afraid you were going to leave out of raw fear…But you didn’t. I did. I went to Kansas to be with my mom for a month. We fought so much before I left and was so stressed that I lost the baby. :/ I always felt like in some way you were eleven it was the most painful thing I had to go through and you weren’t there to comfort me. When I got in Kansas you cheated on me. I felt so used:/ it was then that I realized our love meant nothing to you. It was then that i saw everything I was giving up for you. But instill didn’t leave. I came back to you. You disagreed with my desire to go back to school. But I know it is what is right. I’m only seventeen. I’m not a mom or a wife yet, I’m a child who was playing make believe. A game of house. I tell you this cause I know you can’t read it. I feel myself forgiving my actions. Forgiving my tears and forgiving you for the hurtful words you left me with when I told you I was leaving. Leaving to go to Texas to be in school. I have a dream Scotty. I want to fulfill my dream. I just wish it was with your support. But as I said I doubt you will read this, I doubt I will see you again. But my doubt for my love is gone. I did love you. A part of me still loves you and always will. This gives me the strength to be the one that let you go so we can both go on and do better things! I hope you all the happiness this life can offer you. I want you to not think of the bad with me.. Remember why we loved each other. And live everyday with those beautiful eyes shining with laughter from that smile. Inspire someone again like you inspired me.
    Forever yours,
    TMH

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