Okay, confession time. I feel like I’ve beaten around the bush in everything else I’ve written but this time it’s going to be raw and unedited.
After I broke up with you, and found out you were dating someone else behind my back, I haven’t been alright. I took anti-depressants, cut myself, get high almost every day or drink so I don’t have to deal with real emotions, changed my hair color, got a tattoo, and stopped eating for three weeks all because I got so sick of myself after what happened. I have been doing anything and everything just to be able to tell myself that I can start over as pure and unscarred as when I met you and make myself believe that I am not the ugly person you deemed unworthy of loving anymore.
On top of that, I feel like I can’t connect with anyone else which also fuels the drug abuse. I feel drugs and alcohol make me a more sociable person, and therefore I can more easily attract a guy to rub in your face so you can know I’m fine without you even though I’m not. And look at me, all that’s come of it has been eight different hook-ups. There were a few I could have turned into relationships, but I chose not to because they wouldn’t have made you jealous enough. That’s right, I’m now hurting other’s feeling because I can’t get over my own. There goes my maturity.
I also picked up cigarettes again. I quit before we broke up, but after the fact I just didn’t care anymore and now I’m fully addicted. I smoke about half a pack a day and I feel it in my lungs.
So even though you might see online with my 30lb lighter figure, man friends and photographs of every event I can get to, assuming you stalk my facebook like you did with your other ex’s, it’s all a grand facade to get you to want me back. I bet that doesn’t even work in the real world though.
As fucked up as you were to me, and as fucked up as I am, I want you back. But you’ll never give me a second chance, so I’ll keep plugging along here. I’ll probably end up far more successful than you ever will, and happier overall in life, but I really want you back.
I want you to be in my reality again.