So I know you might never see this. Even if you do, you may not realize that you are actually the Stephen this letter is for, but trust me, if you recognize any of this then you are. There’s something weirdly fulfilling about actually telling you everything, even on the probability that you’ll never know – it’s kind of like throwing a message in the bottle and hoping that of all the people in san diego, it will somehow get into you hands.
But that’s not stopping me from telling you something I should have said over a year ago.
I’m crazy about you.
I’ve always been. I was so stupid… I bet you can’t even imagine how close I’ve been to the brink of total insanity for over a year. I really want you to know, I died that summer, and am still barely waking up from the effects. People would look back on my life for that year and call me lucky for having experienced such amazing things and unimaginably complete joy, but what they don’t get is how life is so, so much worse to have had that, only to experience emptiness it punched in me after it was torn away.
Now for the important part: Whatever Dana told you was a lie! She confessed to me and Sofie that she had said something to you several months after the fact, and from what Sofie and I could dig up, it was complete B.s.
I can honestly say that for the time we were together, I didn’t have a boyfriend at all. To tell you the truth, I liked you too much. The only reason I didn’t go out with you was because I knew you were going to leave me for college. I couldn’t find it within myself to hold you back from that. At the time, my ‘brilliant’ idea was along the lines of “oh, we’ll stay best friends, at least until we graduate! Then we won’t have to break up like I saw so many of my friends do”. Pretty dumb right?
I don’t know how exactly it happened for you that summer, or what it was like with all the lies and plainly ridiculous crap that was going on, but I cried every night for weeks. Just thinking about it makes me do still. Everyone I knew, family friends and all that knew something was wrong with me, but only a few really knew why I as so different – it was like a complete personality reversal, from happy funny me to this awful, quiet sad thing that was the farthest thing from me that could be imagined. The worst part of it for me was the fact that if I dreamed at all, It was ALWAYS the same thing- you leaving, with everyone else. The worst part of it each time was always the way you looked at me. It was an expression I’ve never seen you use in real life, it was like you had seen the worst, most hateful thing on earth, and it was standing in the same place as me. I woke up every day hoping it would be different, but it wasn’t.
For a year.
A year may not seem that long on average, but when someone’s woken up yelling or silently crying on a daily basis, a year is a lifetime that you wish you weren’t living. Whenever I think of this, and you, I blame myself for not knowing what to do, or talking to you, or doing anything. That summer was and forever will be the worst point of my life, and I am so so sorry that things happened the way they did.
People talk about what they would do if they could change one thing in their lives, and for over a year, I’ve thought about exactly what I would do with my one chance. I would have found some courage and kissed you on valentine’s day.
Even if we had gotten caught, it would have been the bast pda in all of tps history, and I woud have sered my detention with pride, knowing how wonderful all of life could be from then on. If you had ever tried anything on me, or even asked me out at homecoming, I would do anything to run back in time and say yes. At the time, I would have said yes to you. I will always, I can’t help it. You’re everything I ever wanted, and you may never even know.