Dear beautiful soldier,
I’m not positive about what I’m going to say… Hell, I’m not even sure if I actually feel what I feel.
I have been left so vulnerable, so broken. Amazingly, you have always been there. You’ve listened when I talked about other men. You stood there with me through my depression. You always looked at me with those eyes.
Those beautiful, brilliant, brown eyes. Those eyes that held their own above your strong nose and full lips. I miss them.. I miss you.
You’re away, and ocean away to be exact. Over there in Europe somewhere fulfilling your life as a soldier. I knew when I met you that that’s what you wanted to do… Wanted to be. I honestly didn’t think we’d be together that long because of my state of mind at that point.
I was very depressed, suicidal. I was strangely obsessed with this man that I could never have. What’s beautiful is that you knew and you didn’t judge me. You still looked at me with those eyes.. Still kissed me with those lips.
By the time I broke up with you, I had looked at all your flaws, saw only your imperfections because all I could focus on was mine. And at that time, as I had said, I was infatuated with him… I didn’t want anything else. So, that made you the enemy for wanting to be so close to me.
Our break up was bad. We said things we didn’t mean. I should’ve let you in, I bet all the money in the world you could’ve kept me from what happened next… My suicide attempt.
What a horrible experience for me… For everyone. You still called me afterwards. Asked me how I was… Wanted to see me. I, of course turned you down. I didn’t see you again before you left for basic training. I’m sorry.
Now, like I said, you’re in Europe.. So many miles away from me. I’m in an amazing state of mind (besides missing you, of course), off medication and out of therapy. And, I’ve thought of you almost every day for months and months. It’s almost July and you’re not coming home until December… What am I going to do until then? I’ve asked you to be mine and then took it back. Too afraid of what you’d say. I even gave you the freedom to sleep with other people until you came home.. To me. And only then, in that short month while you’re home, we could decide what will happen between us.
I’m terrified you have not come to the same conclusion as I have… That our bond has gotten stronger than it’s ever been. It’d be easy with us… Even if you’re miles or oceans away from me. I’m really hoping you feel the same about me, my beautiful, strong soldier.
I guess we’ll see.
I’ll be talking to you,