I can’t sleep. I’ve been up for hours just thinking. I know we haven’t talked in months, it feels like decades. This all just seems so weird to finally write out and read. It’s the first time I’ve been honest with myself in a while, actually. I don’t even know where to begin. I thought this would just blow over. I thought I just wanted a boy. But, then I had one. Then the next came along, and I realized it wasn’t about wanting just a guy or the romance. It was about wanting you. Just you.
Yeah, we’ve had our fair share of problems and I’ll never be able to forget what you did to me, yet that does not stop me from feeling the way I do. There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t think about you.
I had spent the days when we were together defending you and attempting to convince my friends that you weren’t the asshole you appeared to be. When things began to go downhill, I made close friends make sure I didn’t take you back. At least I learned that no one can tell me what to do, because I took you back. I had promised myself every time that this would be the last time we would be together. You made me break my promises.
Love is such a big word, sure I’ve said it before. “I do love him!” But that was sixth grade… who knows what was going on in my head at the time. I hesitate to use that word in this situation. I don’t know how I feel. I don’t exactly know what ‘love’ is. I just want to talk to you. I want to get things out in the open. I just want to kiss you one last time, if I end up saying my final goodbye. I want to feel your strong arms embrace me one more time. I want to feel your soft lips kiss my forehead.
I have been with other guys. One in particular. The first time we kissed, my heart was pounding. As time went on, that feeling gradually drifted away. Now, I remember kissing you. That strong thumping in my heart never went away. It appears just thinking about you. Just tell me, do you feel the same as you did 5 months ago? If you do, promise me something. Promise me that you won’t tear my heart up once more. It still hasn’t fully healed from the last time.
Our first kiss. You called me at 1 AM from my neighbor’s house asking me to come over. But of course, me being me, I was too afraid to go outside in the dark. So, you being the hero that you are, came to the rescue and met me in my driveway. I walked outside, rain falling in my face as I hugged you and said hello. I did not release my arms, and i intertwined my fingers, resting my arms on your shoulders. We just stood in the rain looking into each other’s eyes. The first thing you said was “It’s raining” with a smile. You had known it was one of my deep dark fantasies to kiss someone in the rain. Cheesy, I know. You leaned in and our lips touched. I must admit, I didn’t feel that spark that people talk about in the movies. But I did feel something. I felt loved.