• Dear Me, Oct 13 2001

    by  • June 28, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Confession • 2 Comments

    Brace yourself, tonight your secret boyfriend leaves you for Jamie then your whole life unravels. No really, it does. Here is how your story will go in nearly 10 years time:

    I am the product of young love, my mother had 5 children by the time she was 26. The pressure was too much and she left us on Oct 17 2001. When I was a child she was dark and scary. I imagine now, looking back, she was bi-polar. But this isn’t about her, it’s about my life.

    My parents were very strict on me and said I couldn’t date until I was 16 years old, that of course didn’t stop me. I dated my best friend’s brother very secretly for 2 years, it became too much for him to hide his girlfriend and he wanted to date a girl he didn’t have to sneak around with. He told me this as he was lying in a bed with her. My first heart break occurred on October 13 2001. On October 17 2001 my mother left. I was hiding my secret heart break and my mother left just days later. I was crushed, but I could at least now vent some of the hurt, blaming all my rage and pain on my mother’s leaving and my father’s subsequent downward spiral into a raging drunk. Things got rough right away, I would take care of the house hold and put my brothers and sister to bed early, then start my own home work and last minute chores. I would stay up late just to catch my father coming home drunk, if I hadn’t done this he would storm into either my room that I shared with my sister, the youngest of 5, or into the room of my brothers and he would berate them with insults and blame for things they couldn’t possibly be responsible for. Being the one awake and visible he would pick a fight with me and they would go unaware and have some peace in their lives. This continued for a long time. I used alcohol and drugs to both deal with all this hurt and anger and as well to fuel fights with my dad. I figured the more I looked bad the less he would tear into my siblings. I purposely headed for my own spiral. By the following May, (2002) I had begun getting more and more into drugs. During the May long weekend I decided to try pills for the first time, I didn’t ask what they were and I don’t think I cared. I drank heavily and had a great time. I ended up in my tent alone that night in a complete stupor, I awoke to a mans hands in my pants. As soon as I reacted he immediately placed a hand over my mouth and removed my shorts and attempted to rape me. I suppose it was the rustle of my tent that alarmed a fellow party goer into yelling at me to find out if I was ok, that’s when the man took off running. I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it, I told everyone I woke up to the guy going though my back pack, for some reason a friend’s mom who lived down the road didn’t believe my story and called my dad and the police. I was still very drunk and feeling the affects of the drugs, so when the police arrived to bring me in to the station to get my statement they began to talk me out of pressing charges.

    “You’re obviously not sober, you’re an attractive young girl, maybe you gave this guy the idea you were interested then changed your mind. Do you want to ruin his future and reputation on something you’re ‘fuzzy’ about the details on”
    I remember the speech word-for-word. My dad was on my side but also clearly angry with me for being so high and fucked up and at a party with people much older than me. I was 15, the only other person close to my age was 17, the rest were all 18+. I knew I wasn’t going to win this battle, and I certainly didn’t want to tell a court room full of strangers that I hated my life so much I took random prescription pills from people I don’t even know. I let it go.

    Not long after all of that I started dating a guy, long story short he moved away for college and we continued our relationship online off and on until I was 17. We broke up when I found out he was cheating on me, or cheated on them…. either way there were 9 other girls.

    I found all this out after moving 500 km to be with him (summer 2003.) What a bust. While I lived in his area I moved in with my mother and her crack addicted, schizophrenic boyfriend. I am not exaggerating, he was these things. Since I wasn’t 18 I couldn’t collect my own welfare but he refused to pay for me to do correspondence schooling. And attending a normal high school was out of the question, this guy’s control issues were so severe I couldn’t move with out him knowing. So no school meant no extra welfare for him and my mother to collect, therefore supporting me was cutting into his drug money. He had my mother pretty tamed by this point, he would beat her and feed her drugs. So when it came time to make a choice, him and drugs or me… I lost my mother again.

    I started dating another guy during all this (May 2004), (the cheater and my mother and this new guy all happened with in a year of me moving away from my family) This is the guy who ruined everything about me, tore me to pieces, he’s also the reason I am a solid person now. After all the rejection from my mother, my fathers hatred towards me and my own personal demons I had begun cutting in lieu of the drugs since I wasn’t on drugs when I was dating the cheater and living with my mother. I started dating this guy who was charismatic and he seemed popular and fun, very outgoing. A total opposite of the dark, scary girl I was. He made me happy, I felt attractive with him and we fell for each other right away. But only 2 months into it his true colours showed. It started when he shoved me away during a fight with his brother in law. He never apologized he told me I was stupid for interjecting in the first place. I began to pull away from him, and when I would refuse sex he would belittle me then apologize and bring me back to him. He manipulated sex from me at first. Then fights started and he would grab me, pull me, push me and hold me down. After this started I really began to refuse sex, he stopped manipulating it from me and just took it. For 1 year I was beaten and raped up to 4 times a week. He would suffocate me while making me recite reasons that I loved him, he wouldn’t let go until he was satisfied. It wasn’t until the second time I passed out and woke up after 15 hours, bleeding from places I’d rather not describe that I realized I had to run. He had turned me back into a drug addict, he would supply me loads of cocaine, ecstasy and mushrooms. I was in invalid drug addict and he was in control. I ran back home, 18 years old (June 2005). No high school diploma, no job, no money and weighing 105 lbs.

    I got an apartment after starting a part time job. I slept with the first guy who caught my eye, just to wash away the last memories of sex I had. I hid the two years I spent away from home from everyone. Said it was great and I as so home sick I just had to come home. In order to start over I needed to wash away the dirty feelings I was left with. So I had a small slutty fling. At least when my friends would bring up sex I could remember my last sexual encounter as something fun and in MY control. I dated one guy and slept with a few others over the next year. I didn’t touch any hard drugs and totally abandoned marijuana nearly a year after moving home (March 2006). I had a whole new group of friends, they were clean cut people, very easy going and simply fun. I was happy for the first time in many years. I was on my own, I had a job, friends and I was in control of myself. To this day I haven’t touched weed. Almost exactly a year after moving home (May 2006) I met the most amazing guy. He was smart, funny, talented and driven. He had a career and a great family. For 3.5 years he healed me. He never knew the things that happened to me, I don’t think he needed to know. He was doing a fine job. We broke up on good terms, his career was taking him places far from my home and I wasn’t ready to leave again. We are still very close friends and we see each other atleast once a month.

    I am now so in love with my current boyfriend, I imagine I have found “the one”. I will marry him, we’re buying a house in the next few months. I have a great job and so does he. He’s crazy about me, and I couldn’t imagine being any happier. I don’t know what could make this any better…. maybe a million dollars…

    I still don’t talk to my mother, she continued to disappoint me and my siblings time and time again over the years. I have given up on having her poison in my life. My dad cleaned up and is now healthy and happy. He turned into an amazing father just in time for my little sister to reap the benefits. She has never had to go through what I did, and I couldn’t be happier for her. Our family is strong and happy, it took 10 years but we’re there.

    I never gave up. YOU never gave up. Please never give up.

    2 Responses to Dear Me, Oct 13 2001

    1. Alicia
      July 1, 2011 at 11:45 am

      My dear, I am so terribly sorry that you had it so rough. There’s not much I can say except that my heart goes out to you and that I’m glad you’re finally at peace 🙂 <3

    2. megan
      July 19, 2011 at 9:41 am


      Things are still going great. My boyfriend and I just got approved for a house. I go days, even weeks not even thinking about anything that happened. I haven’t felt sad about it in a long time either.

      I just want other people going through their scariest times to realize it just takes a few changes to turn everything around.

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