This is the most direct I’ll ever be. We were good friends for a long time. We can both name things we did for each other that we did because we wanted to even when it seemed like we shouldn’t have wanted to do them. I drove miles to see you when you never really asked but I sensed you really wanted me too. You rubbed my back and dragged me through Brooklyn when I drank too much when I shouldn’t have even though I knew you didn’t have too because I would have managed. I’m sure you would have managed if I hadn’t driven too see you. Small sacrifices we made for each other because we care about each other. So let’s take this card out of the deck cause we can both play it.
We’ve been close close friends for about three years and we probably know and understand a bit more about each other than most other people do. Or we know each other on a unique level that no one else knows us on. Not that this level is above or below or more significant or less significant than the levels of our relationships too other people we might be closer too but it’s definitely unique. Don’t fight this. Writing brought us together. Fact. Similar situations and open understanding and acceptance kept us friends. And the fact that no one else thought we were as clever and funny as we did about certain things. Namely Craig and the Sensual Seahorses.
But we both fucked up a little. We decided to be selfish in the same sense but in a different way. Again I’m not trying to justify or beg for your forgiveness because I don’t want either at this point. I want you too see this how I see it. Even if you don’t agree with it. See the whole picture.
I repeatedly asked you for one thing over the past few months, maybe even a year, who knows. I asked you to stop talking about me to Anthony. And every single time I asked you said you never did. You were lying. Fact. I asked for my name to never be brought up even in passing if you could avoid it. I made it clear that I didn’t want to part of anything you guys discussed, talked about, analyzed together. A lot of what I told you, I also told him. It just never made sense to me. From my view you guys were looking down on me like I’m some sort of child who is struggling to get through everything that have to do. It seemed like you pitied me or wanted come up with ways to fix me. Condescending. It’s weird. Mostly because I’m happy with where I am and what I’m doing but even when I’m not, I manage and get through.
And you guys talked about me. Maybe not every day, every second. But it happened because when I would talk to either of you alone, it would slip. You or him would say something that shouldn’t know, or shouldn’t have as much insight into. Me and Anthony never talked about you. You came up when I demanded from him a timeline of people he hasn’t pinky promised and when I asked who he was texting. Things that meant nothing. And every time it happened, I caught on that you had been talking about me, I lost a little hope and trust in you. Because I don’t care if you guys talked about everything because of the close connection you have, I asked you not to talk about me. Simple. And I didn’t want to talk about him with you. I listened to what you would say and tried too be a good friend for you when you would tell me all things he said to you but I never wanted to hear it. Because that put him where you put me. And i always felt that he shouldn’t be there. You shouldn’t put him there.
I’m not trying to say what I did was okay at all. But we were both selfish and did exactly what we wanted to no matter how hard we tried not to. Human nature always overpowered will. I’m sure what you were doing had nothing to do with me the same way making out with Anthony didn’t have to do with you but it effected me how what I did effected you. Because we are that close of friends and you and Anthony are that close. And Anthony got into my head that bad.
Be aware of your actions and the things you do. Next time you tell someone you can’t trust them, think about the trust they have you. Before you tell someone they’re the worse friend you ever had, consider the kind of friend you’ve been to them. And if all things even out, be careful before you that cards so soon.