I sit here and try to read my Human Development book. 200 pages are due by the end of week and somehow I am supposed to cram all those facts into my head. All the while my brain, each crevice is crammed full of every part of you. Every memory, every touch, every moment, but most of all every single lost hope.
I love you. I love you so much that it hurts so bad every single time you leave that my brain is flooded with you. Every single time you touch the small of my back or guide me to cuddle with you on the couch. Every single time we kiss and my insides just want to break apart. I feel dumb, knowing that all of this sounds so cliche, but I can’t help it because finally I feel it. Finally all the puppy love from junior high and high school feels like absolutely nothing compared to this. I can sit and list so many things about you, gestures, faces you make, your smirks, and awkward walk. How you lay when you sleep: like a kid trying to make a snow angel, flat on your back, confident even as your mind drifts way to another world.
It’s either me so lost, that I am scared to move forward, but deep down I know you are scared too, but my voice box is paralyzed when I think of asking, where this is headed. I’m terrified for you to say nowhere, for you to say we can’t make it work, when I know we can, when I know with this chemistry so strong between us we could make a miracle happen. I am scared, so freaking scared because every time I have given my heart away it’s been crushed, demolished and swept under the rug to a point where not even I can recognize at what point in time I let it disappear. At what point in time, I let my guard down, and I let someone step so close that they could steal my everything away.
So here is me asking, in my pathetic little way, in the only manner I feel possible, because though seeing you once in a while or when our paths conveniently cross kills me the days after it passes, those one nights I spend with you. Those 24, 36 hours.. are the best hours of my life. They are the moments that I realize I am alive, that I can feel the world around me. It’s like taking a breathe for the first time, or for the first time realizing the wonders of a world around me. I want you. I want to know I can drive to see you whenever I want. I want you to express the yearning you feel when after a month of not seeing each other, we still both struggle to let our guard down and kiss. And then when we kiss our bodies burn to never be apart. I want to lay there in your arms at night and feel no space between us, as we still try to pull each other closer, holding on to something we wish to never let go.
I want that moment hours later when we finally demagnetize and return to reality to disappear. I am tired of being scared. I am tired of your planning ahead placing you in the mind set that until you are done building yourself a career we can’t make this work. Because I will be there by your side. We will make this work. Together we will live one day at a time one week and let those days build upon each other to create a life where we live without fear of being broken, and live without the fear of what will happen and just try.