• the worst feeing in the world.

    by  • June 27, 2011 • Betrayal • 0 Comments

    Dahhhhhling,

    If only you knew how many Friday and Saturday nights I’ve spent at home crying because of you.

    Too many for me to count.

    If only you knew how many tears i’ve shed because of our best friendship that you ruined.

    Enough to fill the ocean.

    If only you knew how many prayers I’ve said that things would get better between us. I told God that he didn’t have to ever do anything for me again if he would just fix my friendship with you.

    BUT YOU FUCKING RUINED IT. MY BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WORLD AND YOU FUCKING RUINED EVERYTHING.

    We talked about it. I waited way too long to say it, but finally, I did, and we talked about it.

    And I did feel better afterwards. I do feel better now than I did before we talked about it.

    But the thing is, I don’t agree with one thing you said. You said it was both of us and I said yeah it’s both of us. Because I was scared shitless to even tell you I was mad at you and say anything bad about you. So I pretended to agree.

    But really… IT WASN’T BOTH OF US. IT WAS YOU. And even though I guess it’s getting better now, IT WAS YOU, AND I’LL NEVER FORGET WHAT YOU DID. AND I’LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU. BECAUSE YOU RUINED OUR FRIENDSHIP FOREVER, AND YOU RUINED MY SENIOR YEAR.

    I guess at first I didn’t ask to hang out with you that much. So that was partially my fault. But neither did you, so we were even. I didn’t even mean to not ask you to do stuff. That’s just my personality; I tend to wait for someone else to say something. But I’ll still say we were even for a while. That’s why I didn’t say anything back then. I should’ve, before it got worse, but I didn’t. I hope I didn’t give off the appearance that I didn’t care or wanted to hang out with other people more than you. Because it was the complete opposite.

    But then I woke up and realized that I need to do what I need to do. And that was ask you to hang out. A LOT. But then, as I had dreaded, you were always too busy for me. Too busy with Sammie, who I’ve never liked, but mostly with Annalie and Kasey. What the fuck. Just in September, you said that you’d kill someone if you had to eat lunch with Annalie. I was even more open than that. And then all of a sudden you’re best fucking friends with her, she’s crying after not seeing you for one day and you act like she’s the greatest person in the world. She is rude, obnoxious and manipulating. Did I say manipulating? Oh yeah, she’s incredibly manipulating. She sucks you in as her next victim and gets you to do whatever she wants until she’s done with you, or you use a touch common sense and break away. Try talking to Lindsay about it. Or has she brainwashed you to not like Lindsay by now?

    And all your bull crap that “you’re glad you became close friends with her now because we’re going away soon and you wouldn’t have been friends with her otherwise but you’ll always be friends with me” is just that. IT’S BULL CRAP. SPEND YOUR LAST YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL, OF YOUR CHILDHOOD IN THE TOWN YOU GREW UP IN, WITH YOUR REAL BEST FRIEND(S). DON’T PUSH THEM AWAY BECAUSE THEY’LL BE THERE FOR YOU NEXT YEAR BECAUSE MAYBE NOW I WON’T.

    Do I need to not be your friend a while for you to realize that I’m not just an old stuffed animal that you can throw around and will always be there if you need it, but when you don’t need it, it’ll just lie around gathering dust?

    I miss 8th grade. We both say it all the time. You know why it was the greatest year ever?
    At least for me, anyway. Because you and I we closer than ever. We told each other EVERYTHING. And you know that’s true. We were there for each other 24/7 with our emails. We were best friends. I think we’ve been heading in the downward direction ever since then, actually. It sucks so much to say that. I don’t feel comfortable telling you things now. HOW MESSED UP IS THAT? I can’t tell my best friend anything. When I have something stupidly exciting in my life, who do I go to text? Jamie, not you. I wish it weren’t that way. When I need advice on stuff, or I need to tell a story about something, or to vent about YOU to, I go to JOEY. I don’t want it to be that way.

    I want to tell you everything.

    By the way, I was hopelessly in love with Joey before he came out. I was afraid to tell you.

    I would rather have my heart broken buy 1,000,000 guys than by my best friend.

    Oops, too late for that.

    You know how in most relationships, with the exception of Rylivia, there’s usually one person who likes the other one a lot more?

    I feel like that’s you and me. I like you a HELL OF A LOT more than you like me.

    And that’s the worst feeling in the world.

    I miss you.

    love,
    dahhhhhhling

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