• I’m young and reckless but it still meant something.

    by  • June 27, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Breaking Up • 0 Comments

    Dear Hunter,

    I used to think I knew what it was like to really feel something for another person, and what it felt like to get your heart broken. Being young, my relationships before you barely compared to what ours turned into. People always say that sex changes everything and it makes you care so much more and I guess I just didn’t take that thought seriously or think it mattered with you. I wasn’t a virgin when I met you, no, but I had never had consistent sex with someone I had actual feelings for before. Our relationship was different because we were best friends first. Real best friends. And I wasn’t attracted to you at all. But then my boyfriend broke up with me and you were there like you always were and sure at first you were my rebound. But then it turned into something I had never felt before and it was crazy and unexpected. We started having sex. All the time. But there was the cuddling afterwards and the sleepovers when our parents were out of town. And there was the whispers of “I love you” mid sex and the moments when I swear everything in the world was at a standstill except for us. I withdrew from my friends and my life and you became all I needed. When we were together I didn’t even know where my phone was and I didn’t care. You were the focus of my every thought and so was I. I never thought things would end between us because you were my best friend. And we hadn’t gone a full day without talking since we met ten months ago. But then my bitching at you became too much for you to handle. And I broke up with you in a whirlwind of emotions and then expected you to take me back. When you said no, I wasn’t too upset because we were still talking and hanging out and most of all still having sex and saying we loved each other. And right before you took me back I did something stupid. I overreacted like usual about something small but unlike usual for you, you didn’t take it. I think it was the final straw. At the end of that fight I think you were done. And I did what I usually do when I’m hurt and started hooking up with random guys in hopes that it would make the break up hurt less but it didn’t. It made me feel worse and made you resent me more than ever. I know you hated it but I just want you to know that I still loved you but I didn’t know any other way to deal with the pain. And after all of this, here I am, ready to change for you more than ever and ready to stop everything for you, and we’re not on speaking terms. We haven’t spoken in 3 days, and even before that whenever we would talk you would give me short, uninterested responses and blow me off. I feel like nothing will ever be the same between us but all I want is my best friend back. I’m so sorry for ever hurting you but without you I’m lost. I cry myself to sleep every night and sometimes I wake up thinking I’m in your arms until I realize I’m alone. You have so much of me and I’ve never given another person anything near to what I gave to you. Return my heart or return to me. I need closure or friendship, but anything other than the indifference you’ve given me. How can you not care after everything we’ve been through together? I was your first. I want to be your last. Please just talk to me. Please care.
    Love, Kristen

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