sometimes i miss the you that you were when we were laying in my room talking about how hard it was somedays to be fifteen. i miss the way we would walk to the drug store on saturday afternoon to buy cheap makeup and giggle at the cute boy who passed us by the checkout line, and i miss walking through the halls at school next to you feeling together as if there is a sign posted on our backs that read ‘freshmen’, and secretly hoping that no one else could tell.
i miss that ache of being only just barely too young with you, and painting each others toe nails while dreaming wildly of things like drivers licences and how one day we would drink beer and date boys for real, not like the little kid way, but the real way, when he drives to your house to pick you up in his dad’s nice car and holds your hand the whole way through the movie, and let’s you wear his jacket when you get cold.
i don’t know when or how but things became different. now we are seniors and you date a boy who isn’t always nice to you, but he plays varsity football so you are okay with it because he makes you popular too. and i no longer skip class with you to walk to 7-11 and drink slurpies because i take things too seriously now and worry about making straight A’s and going to college. i don’t think that i am better than you, but sometimes i think that you think i do.
i just miss you, that’s all. i miss the kind of person i felt like when i was with you.
now we are as old as we used to wish we were, and i hope you are as happy as you thought for sure you would be. i’m happy, even though it makes me sad sometimes that you aren’t truly a part of my life anymore. i hope the people in your life make you a better person, i hope you have friends who are as good to you as you deserve, i hope you always feel loved and fulfilled.
i hope that you know how irreplaceable you are to me, even if you felt like i replaced you. i felt that way too about you, but i know now you didn’t mean to hurt me.
i love you very much, rachel. you were my best friend.