• You didn’t even bother to give me a chance.

    by  • June 26, 2011 • Moving On • 0 Comments

    Dear L.,

    I don’t know what to do. Maybe it would be for the best. But how can I do it, when I’m already in love ? I know it’s silly, falling in love over the internet, but I feel like I know you. I dunno. Maybe I’m wrong.

    I want to take a few steps back, but I can’t make myself to do it. I should cool my head and get you out of it, I should.

    But I was aware of this. It just felt nice thinking you might feel something, but guess not. And now I’m aching, in despair.

    I hate myself. I basically went through a massive heartbreak before all of this and I told myself I will never fall in love again, told myself that men are not worth it, told myself I won’t go through this again. And guess what happened ? I fell in love again. And again, you’re away. Just this time, you’re a thousand kilometers away.

    I’ve been such a fool. Expressing my feelings, opening up, sharing my feelings like they were re-usable, blatantly giving them away. I hate myself for that. Why did I do it ? Why did I push it ?

    Every day, every night – thinking about you, imagining the day we meet, kissing you, holding you, all of it. I need someone, there’s just so much love in me, I need to give it to someone.

    But in the back of my head, I knew it was pointless. It has no future. You’re not even into me. You never want to talk about it. Last night I asked you to share some of your thoughts and you said it was personal. What the fuck, you’re actually going to tell me that ? When I was such an idiot to spill everything, everything, every ounce. I should take it all back. I mean, why should I be in this situation, I don’t need this. Yeah whatever, it feels good to hear it, right ? Feels good knowing that there’s a stupid girl craving for you like you were made of gold, dammit.

    Not anymore. No. I will not mention it, I will not talk about it, this is the end of story, I’m going to take a few big steps back. You don’t want it ? Fine.

    Why did I ever think that you might actually like me ? I have no idea. You expressed yourself about that matter so many times, but I just didn’t listen and always, always I looked like a fool in the end. Like in every conversation. I’m always that idiot, who just wants to mean something to you and you put an enormous brick wall. What are you afraid of ? Of falling in love ? So what ? How can you be afraid of something you’ve never even tried ? Yeah, we’ve never met, but you’ve never tried to get to know me. I’m the same person. And you will eventually meet me. I can’t get it out of my head – you telling me you’re afraid of getting to know me. What am I, a fucking monster ? Thanks. It tears me apart. So don’t give me that shit, that you’re afraid. Just be honest, dammit, say it, you don’t want it. Say you’re not interested, say you don’t like me. But don’t say this, cause it means there’s hope. And there is no hope. You know it, so don’t act nice. JUST BE HONEST.

    You have no idea. If I knew you felt the same about me, I’d cross every obstacle just to be with you. And you can’t even notice that. Fuck it. I just hope I won’t make a mistake with this, cause I’m just afraid that I might let this go, when it could have been great. I’m not afraid of falling in love and dealing with it.

    I’m angry for giving myself away so easily, for liking you, for imagining you. I’m angry dammit. I know I can’t change anything. I know I can’t change how you feel. I just wanted to know if you felt anything, I just wanted that.

    I’m going to stop it, because I started it. If you want it, come and get it. But you don’t want it, that’s the problem. This is real. I’m not a fucking object with no feelings, you can’t dribble me. Why do I always have to be the one who’s feelings are fucked up, messed up ?

    I’m giving up, I can’t let it go any further for me.

    T.

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