The first time I was ever with him, I didn’t feel guilty and with that I knew right then and there that it was right. By me, by the universe, and in time you would understand (hopefully,) that it was right by you too. I let you go to carry on with your life, but more importantly, I let go to resume mine.
It’s funny how that worked, actually. At one point, wasn’t I the weak one? Too battered and sad, to ever fly away. I would never say this to you, not even now, but you and I both know I never felt for you the way you did for me. I just needed your company, needed someone to relate and understand all the mess that was broken down inside.
But just like my arm mended back stronger, I did too. And that’s what happens when you heal things back to health; they become much more powerful when they’re tended to with delicate love. I hadn’t anticipated that It’d be my turn to care for you. For all the days you woke up sick, sad and lonely for no reason. Whether it was raining or pouring. For the all the days you’d snap, draw away, or pull too closely; I wasn’t ready, and I don’t think I’ll ever be.
I was ashamed that I couldn’t, really I was. But more than ashamed I was resentful that every day centered around your life, your problems, your depression, your health, your music, your writing,
your lack of job
your lack of motivation, to fix the things we both knew you could.
I was healed, but I wasn’t free. And while there were still many days if I had been, I knew I would have come back to you because I still needed you. If you ever needed me, you never said it. Guilt wrung out the corners of my heart and I feigned what I could to keep you in my life.
In the end, I was lonelier in our limbo than I was before we became friends. I couldn’t pretend to love you to keep you my friend, because every time I told you that I couldn’t reciprocate you would punish me with withdraw.
So I re-found my groundings, and I left you behind this time. Stumbling upon somewhere that was quite right. I know where you go, what you do, who your with and what you like still. I know you still think of me, and I hope that there’d be a day where you’d finally be ready to be just friends.