It’s been over a year now and still I think about you constantly. I assumed that by now you would be merely be a memory, instead you’re like a ghost that haunts me. What hurts most is when something great happens all I want to do is call or write you but I can’t.
Do you remember the summer we spent our anniversary in Paris? We just wanted to hold each other and be with each other. No one else mattered. Well I’m here, terrified to go any where near the Eiffel Tour because that was were we sat and watched the sun set, we laughed and kissed. I helped you get over your fear of heights and we made it to the top of that blasted tour. As great as it all was, all I can think about is the stupid fight we had. I still see the tears running down your face. I wish I could say it was the only time I made you cry but we both know I’d be lying. I apologized then but I guess it wasn’t good enough because I still feel guilty for it.
I sometimes wish I never had met you not because it would have prevented the pain I feel, but because you didn’t deserve all the crap I put you through. I never knew how to love you the way I should have. Sadly it wasn’t until I lost you that I realized it all. Too late. Ironically, losing everything forced me to become more of the person you deserved but now you’re gone. At least the you I knew and loved.
What I would do for one more day with you. To hold your hand. To make you laugh. Sometimes when you’d look at me I felt invincible. You gave me purpose and hope.
I’m so sorry. You will never know how sorry I am and always will be. I hate myself for hurting you. These words seem empty and pointless because you’ll never know, never believe them. I walk around daily with the blood of what once was your love for me on my hands. The deed is done and nothing can change that. Now I’m meant to move on and live, when the only thing that ever let me really live is gone.
I love you. I love you more than I’ve ever loved any thing or any one.
-You know who