• I give up.

    by  • June 26, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Yearning for You • 0 Comments

    Dear B,

    I’ve loved you for about an year now, yes, I use the term love.

    It started that evening when we sat on the library steps and you poured your heart out. You told me about your horrible family life and it was from that moment that I wanted to take care of you. I just wanted to make sure you lived a life away from all that.

    Then you went away for the summer.

    Then you came back. But when you did, a gaggle of girls came running after you. You didn’t go after any of them at that point except that you did not refrain from talking about them though. I blew up your ego as did they.

    Then came the evening I revealed to you one of our close friends (lets call her S) likes/d you. It didn’t get awkward between us but from that point on I guess nothing could have happened.

    Then it was my birthday. You started a sentence, “I was going to say…” during the game of revealing crushes with what sounded like it would end with “you”. This sentence was directed towards me, but you shut up too quickly and didn’t continue. The rest of the evening you didn’t bring it up, but I didn’t know what to do.

    Then came Valentine’s Day, and the other silly person started filling my even sillier head with ideas that you might have liked me.

    Then it was that horrible evening we sat by the fountain, my head hitting the steel table, as I begged and prayed you were going to say my name as you were revealing your new crush, and instead you slipped out the name of the single person who was torturing me at the time. The one EVERYONE was in love with, someone else who I also was close friends with. I admit. I ended up crying that evening. It wasn’t the first time.

    Then I went away. Found the artistic love of my life, and yet came back to you.

    Then it was the whole prom issue and S’s feelings intensified. You said you wouldn’t mind taking me, but that would be weird, because other people knew S liked you and were telling you to get with her.

    And that fateful evening, you rejected S.

    However, the next week, you caved into your boyish horniness, and made out with her. Consequently, you lead yourselves further down the sexual road.

    And you told me all of this in confidence.
    I never told you I liked you.
    I never told you I loved you.
    So it’s all my fault I lost you.
    But I AM disgusted by you.

    Furthermore, I am more disgusted by myself to let myself get to this state. How dare I let a person affect me this much? So many eyelash wishes wasted on your happiness.

    Well, I hope you are genuinely happy. Because then my job is done. And I can finally move on.
    But you have gotten to me you stupid boy. And I hate myself vehemently for that.


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