• I can’t help you anymore

    by  • June 26, 2011 • Friends • 0 Comments

    N,

    I’m leaving the country in five days and I’m really fucking scared about what you’re going to do to yourself. I know it’s hard – you lost all your friends, your husband, then your boyfriend, and now you’re living in a shitty apartment in a foreign country with a terrible job and nothing concrete to look forward to. It sucks, I know.

    But E and I have been here the whole time trying to help you. You lie, you ditch us, and then you show up to our plans stoned and crying. I really care about you and I want to help – but I don’t know how anymore. You’re in some serious shit now, and something has to change. Leave this city, go back home, get some therapy, I don’t know. I listened to you vent about all your problems and I tried my damn hardest to be sympathetic even when you threw all my advice down the shitter. I can’t take care of you, this is exhausting. I’m leaving, too, and I’m going to be half a world away. What can I do? I feel so guilty but I feel like you just won’t let us help you.

    And stop telling me that I’m lucky. You say I’m so lucky that I have a man who is kind to me and cares about me, which, yeah, it’s true. But it isn’t just that. If I wasn’t happy in my relationship I would change it, not bitch and moan about it. Your marriage wasn’t even binding, it was just a legal partnership. It’s about to EXPIRE. Nobody is making you stay here and be miserable. If you could pick up your life and move to a different continent, surely you can do it again. You’re looking for pity, but I can’t find any. People fucking care about you, ok? We can’t go on and on about it, though.

    PLEASE do something. You are making everybody around you miserable, and now worried. You’ve stopped eating and everybody knows that you come to work on drugs. The lying hurts. I try so hard to help you, and you’re just so selfish.

    I can’t do this anymore. I don’t know what to do. I feel really guilty but I’m at the end of the line. You cling to me but you push me away, I can’t make a difference.

    And I’m really scared as soon as I’m going and E is gone, you’ll be alone and do something really terrible. Please please please don’t. I’m still your friend, I promise.

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