I love you.
I only wish you could ever love me back.
I still can’t believe how well this year went, and how things kept working out exactly the way I wanted them too. I mean, we had been friends before, but this year something really clicked. We just became closer and closer and it was awesome. I was beyond glad to be your friend.
I felt so comfortable with you, it surprised me a little. I could tell you anything. You wouldn’t judge me, you’d just listen. Sometimes you’d give me some good advice, sometimes you’d just listen. And that’s all I needed: someone to be there and listen.
Eventually it occurred to me how great you were. I mean I always thought you were a great person, but it occurred to me that there was nothing I could ask for in a guy that you didn’t have. You were utterly perfect. You were so perfect, your imperfections meant nothing to me.
I had had crushes on guys before. Some lasting a very long time. But they were nothing compared to you. I don’t care how young we are, how we don’t really know what “love” is. I truly believed I was in love with you. I imagined us getting married and having a family together. Of course I’d done that with the boys i liked since 1st grade, but it just seemed so realistic with you. Because there were always things about the other boys that I knew I wouldn’t ACTUALLY be able to live with, or just things I didn’t know or couldn’t predict about them. All I wanted to do was spend the rest of my life with you.
It also occurred to me that I had finally found the first genuinely great guy who wasn’t gay.
Hmph. Well, back on that search.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m so happy for you that you came out. I couldn’t be more proud and more ecstatic. I think (i hope) you’re a lot more comfortable with yourself now. That’s probably the most important thing in life. Being happy with yourself and comfortable in your own skin. Don’t think I’m mad at you for being gay, I’m not at all. Don’t think I don’t value our friendship, because I value it more than anything. And all the support I’ve given you for being gay is completely genuine. I mean it.
There was a time when I was almost tempted to make a move on you. But I didn’t, for two reasons. The first was that it was in March and I had zero guts. In your basement, the night i got us Wendy’s and then we drew out the second hyperspace. I couldn’t stop thinking about how that was my chance, but I never would have taken it. If it were now, I MIGHT have made myself just do it.
But I still probably wouldn’t have done it, for the second reason. Because I didn’t want to jeopardize our friendship.
I was convinced I was in love with you; but I wasn’t willing to act on that, because if you didn’t feel the same way about me, and things got weird, it would be infinitely worse than never trying. Because I have a GREAT friend in you. A best friend.
I’m afraid that I won’t find a guy for me who’s as great as you. Anyone from this point on is second to you. Reassure me that there’s someone perfect for me. You’re always good at that.
Take this as the ultimate compliment. That I basically worship the ground you walk on. And I really hope that isn’t as creepy as it sounds.