Can you believe I still love you? I bet you can. I’m guessing that was all part of your game? You knew how i loved you unconditionally and would drop everything for you. You knew how much i loved your daughter and was ready to help you start a new life. I loved her with all my heart as if she were my own.
You taught me a lot in a short time. You taught me things school never could. You taught me things most people will never know. I thank you for opening my eyes. Opening my eyes to a completely different world. I don’t regret a moment with you because i would never be where i am today but i just want to know why?
I know we were polar opposites. Not just emotionally but in our life experiences. You made me grow up more in the year we were together than all my other years combined. I truly and whole heartedly thank you for that. But why did you play your games on me. Do you not care about anyone but yourself? Its now apparent that you dont.
I opened my heart up to you. The first person since Dylan died. You knew more about me than any other person in this world. We spent nights together better than anything i could have ever imagined. You made me feel complete. You made me feel like i was the most important person in the world, you made me feel beautiful, couragous, daring, impulsive, happy, loved. Then in one night that all disappeared and you took everything with you. You took part of me and part of my heart. You crushed me, you left me ruined. And the worst part, you took the things i told you and used them to hurt me. You knew my weaknesses and you used them against me.
Its been a year and half and i am still slowly slipping. Everyday i feel a little more worthless. You even told me you were playing games with my head and even that was part of your “game”. You made me feel stupid. I trusted you. Boy, was i foolish. And you know, i think i new it from the very beginning but you made me feel so good about myself. You gave me the confidence i normally didnt have. But how could i be that foolish? You gave me a million red flags to not be in a relationship with you, and yet they made me more attracted to you.
You had nothing in your life going for you. You’re an alcoholic, drug addicted, piss poor father, friend, son, and even acquaintance. You an abusive person who needs to realize one of these days you will take it too far. You couldn’t keep a job, you couldn’t pay your bills (legally), and you continually put yourself in situations that would just get you into trouble. Maybe it was the bad boy attitude that attracted me or maybe i was just so sick of trying to be that perfect daughter. Maybe i wanted to screw things up again. Well, guess what? You succeeded.
My life is sitting in ruins because of you. I lost my dream job. I dropped out of school. You put me $10,000 in debt. I’ve become dependent again. I depend on it to put me to sleep at night so i can’t think of you. So i can’t think of the way you made me feel and how you make me feel now. My parents have lost trust in me, i lost not only you, but your daughter too. That rips my heart to pieces. Why are you such a terrible person?
Is it because of the rough life you had? I know life hasn’t treated you very well, but a lot of that is your own fault. I know the things that mess with your mind and make you think the things you do. I know you think about suicide on a daily occasion. We have had this discussion before. But i’m done trying to save you. You chose to take her over me. In our bed none the less. You chose to make your life hell once again. You could have chosen better, you could have continued to stay clean with me.
I hope you’re happy! You definitively got what you deserve. I wanted to fix you so bad, take away all your pain and hold on to it just so you didn’t have to feel it. I let you open up to me about things you couldn’t with anyone else and you know they would never be spoken about again. I let you in.
I would have never posted this until i saw you on tv. You were on the local news for being arrested. Abuse on your girlfriend. Doesn’t surprise me. She was gutsy enough to call you in finally. Good for her. But now that you’re locked up, and will be for quite some time after what you did, i feel better. I sleep better at night knowing you aren’t out there. Isn’t it sad how you still had control over me. Well guess what. Not anymore. I’m not afraid anymore. I know you’ll never read this. But i wish you would. These are things only you will understand and things i should have told you. I don’t think i have ever hated anyone before. And as much as i still have that feeling of love for you, i hate you more than anything.