• Letter to boy I knew, once upon a time…

    by  • June 25, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Depression • 0 Comments

    Hey you
    Remember when you were going through all that shit? And you couldn’t get out? You couldn’t get up? You were just stuck in the same rut? And everyone got so frustrated, they just didn’t know what to do with you anymore? And you got so frustrated? Cause you didn’t know either? And you started talking to only me and Nate? About real life anyway. And then do you remember that night? When you texted me out of nowhere and said you were gonna be disapearing for a bit? From my life. Cause I deserved better. Cause I was a good person, and I didn’t deserve to be weighted down by you anymore. That you didn’t want me to have to carry all your shit. That you were just a fucked up, fuck up. And if you stuck around, that you would just keep dragging down, weighing me down. Cause you really didn’t see the end yet. And you didn’t know how far off it would be. Do you remember that? And do you remember how I argued with you? How I fought and told you I wasn’t gonna leave? Even if everyone else did? That I had chosen to be there? That there may have been times you asked me to, but ultimately I CHOSE it? And do you remember how I spent that whole night crying in the stairwell, cause you broke my heart? Cause I couldn’t understand why you would do that, when I had proved I wasn’t gonna leave. That I was gonna help you through, gonna carry you. That I would be there, frustrated or not. And that I could handle it. That I could handle you being mad at me. I could handle you falling down again. I could handle you on your darkest days. Do you remember me telling you that I didn’t think you were a fuck up? And even if you were, weren’t we all? And that I believed the end was coming? That I wouldn’t stop believing in you? Do you remember all that? Well, I just wanted to say, that I get it now. I just wanted to say, I’m in that boat now. I understand why you texted me that. Why you tried to shut me out. Why you wouldn’t answer your phone that night when I called. I understand why you decided to disapear. I understand what you felt that night. Because today, I feel it. Because today, I am not the girl I was 2 years ago. For some reason I just wanted to tell you that. And you know, I also wanted to tell you, that I’m glad, even after how things went for us, that you called me a day later. And apologized. I’m glad you let me back in. I’m glad you let me love you. Because in some weird way, right now, that moment is what’s keeping me from doing to the people I love, something like what you did. And hey, you know that conversation you brought up at the kitchen sink 2 weeks ago? The one about the cigarettes? The one I could tell you actually really wanted to have that day? If you were here, I would have it with you tonight. Like we used to, back when we were just friends. Cause you know, back before we tried to make it into more, we were really good pals weren’t we? Now we’re not really anything at all. But that’s life sometimes. And to be honest, here, I’m more than ok with that now. I just wanted to let you know….you finally docked that boat, but now I’m the one sailing it….

    -Me

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