Summer has started up again. I sat at the bar tonight after work, and stupid thoughts came rushing in my head again. This time last year we were living in our apartment together. Just moved in; and getting settled into our what was supposed to be life together. But you turned 21 only a week after we moved in, and with your history of drug and alcohol addictions, you caved back into that lifestyle. You wanted the party scene again. You didn’t want me, or to be living a ‘married’ life.
I get how you wanted to stay at the bar and relax with your coworkers after a long shift, because now I want to do the same thing. I’m in no rush to go home though, because there is no one there. No one is there waiting for me, wanting to see me. Why couldn’t you just want to see me? Why wasn’t I enough?
I don’t want to be in a relationship for more than one reason. But if I was already in one, which we were, I wouldn’t dump it in the garbage for alcohol. I wouldn’t toss away my SOBER LIFE that I worked so hard to get to, or the ones I care so much [..or not so much] about like they’re nothing. I gave you everything I had, _____ . I moved hours away from my family for you. Quit my job for you. Left my life…for you. And you? You left me. You left me broken hearted and in pieces. You put me through hell. And I can never forgive you for that.
I was convinced last November that we were getting back together. That you really wanted me back. That we were going to be neighbors down the road since I stayed up here. I CONSTANTLY think of that moment when we were by the river, on the rock, at one in the morning. The water was flowing, sky was clear, and the stars and moon was shining. We held each other in our arms and just embraced the moment and the beauty nature was sharing. I felt safe in your arms again, they were my favorite place to be in the whole entire world. I told you that that exact location was the one I wanted to be proposed to at. And you replied with ‘I know. I have to figure out a way to ask you back out first’. What the FUCK am I supposed to think when you say things like that. But you let me down; again. Nothing new I guess.
You faded away after that night, and back into the partying. I stayed clean, sober, living my life the way I always had. You turned to alcohol to run from the problems [YOU CREATED! btw] And I cried myself to sleep almost every night. I dealt with the loneliness. I dealt with the broken heart. I dealt with having no friends up here; no family up here. Heartache is the worst feeling anyone can ever go through. But I did it. I’m still alive.
MY 21st birthday was on Tuesday. It was a great one, no thanks to you. It’s not like I waited around my phone all day just for one text from you saying “Happy Birthday, hope its a good one”. Shit. I would have taken ‘happy bday’. But who am I kidding. I got nothing. No I didn’t almost have a meltdown at the bar when I was shitfaced and thinking about it.
I thought about how we celebrated your birthday last year. How I woke up and made you a huge birthday breakfast. How I was your DD for your drunken ass. And how I really never thought I would be single for my twenty first birthday. You were supposed to be with me, celebrating it together. Holding my hair back as I puke in the toilet, giving me water and Advil the next morning, like I did for you all last summer.
I don’t understand why you keep coming back. I gave up on you, on us, because I had no other choice. I haven’t tried to contact you at all, except for a few times recently. You text me when it’s convenient for you, and you only. When you have a thought running through your head and you can’t think of anyone else to tell. COOL. TELL SOMEONE ELSE. You fill my head with thoughts, and memories every god damn time we have a conversation. You told me only at the beginning of the month that you wanted to be friends again. To be civil. Because you’re sober and you’ve realized the damage that you’ve done. I told you it would take a lot on your part to make things okay again. You said you’re moving back to your grams in August. That thought alone makes me want to puke. I don’t want to ever see you again. I can barely handle talking to you. But guess what, it turns out we’re not talking again. Go figure. I’ve never been strong enough to not reply, but this time, next time, I refuse. You’ve dragged me through hell and back. But I won’t let it happen again. I deserve better damnit; I deserve a REAL man, and that is not you. I just hope I’ll be able to trust again.
I hope those 8 slutty girls you’ve slept with since me, since November, made you happy. I hope smoking your life away makes you happy. I hope you’re ‘way cooler’, ugly, fat ass, new on again/off again girlfriend makes you happy. I hope you don’t get someone prego. Or an STD. But, that’s unlikely at this point in the game. I hope you can handle her kids (the kids you always said you never wanted, but then only wanted with me) because clearly she can’t.
I hate you, ________. All your words are lies. I’m doing so much better without you. You’re pathetic. I hope you turn your life BACK around again. I won’t be there this time though, it’s all on you.
Please just leave me alone. I don’t need you, and I finally, FINALLY, realize that. And i won’t let myself feel otherwise.