It had been a little over two years since I’d heard it. I thought that the ‘not hearing’ made me miss you more. But then yesterday happened and I was proven wrong.
You spoke to me finally. In my dream. Sure, you’ve been in my dreams plenty since you were taken from me, but only as the role of The Tease. I’d only see the back of your head as you turned to walk away, or I’d be sitting at your table waiting for you to join me and you just wouldn’t come.
Yeah, that would be an entire night’s dream. Me sitting in my usual seat wondering where you were for the entire 8 hours of rest. Then I’d wake up and yearn for your face and voice to come to me at night so we could interact once more.
Not anymore. I just needed a brief power nap before work, 10, 15 minutes top. And there you were. Clear as day. A close up of your face and expressions down to every last detail. The way you’d smile and cock your head to the left when you were delighted with something I’d say. When you’d lean in and raise your eyebrows when you couldn’t quite hear me. But I wasn’t even there, in the dream.
And then came your voice. That thick, regal sounding voice. That beautiful Scottish accent I’d tried imitating for years of my life. Your words, too. The same greeting I heard for 18 years. The goodbye that ended each of our visits in the last weeks of your life. Those phrases used in deep discussions only the two of us shared.
Then I woke up.
My God, if that 15 minute dream didn’t shatter my heart back to where it was two years ago…
The dream wasn’t you and I together. It was an image of you on repeat. The words and expressions I associate with you, and that’s all. It wasn’t you. As much as I’ve been praying for your face and voice to come to me at night, I now promise to stop. Because I’ve realized that that’s not what I want at all.
I just want you. That’s all.
So until that day finally comes, all I can do is think of you during the day and smile and laugh and maybe allow myself a few tears when it’s needed.
But I feel bad. I don’t want you to think that I don’t WANT to see and hear you anymore. Because that’s not the case. I’d give anything to have you here with me right now.
But it has taken every ounce of inner strength I have to carry on without you. Hearing your voice again was a big step back. And I know all you want for me is happiness, and I need you to know that I’m trying my best. So I won’t wish for you anymore. I’ll move past it. I still reminisce every day so please don’t think you’re being forgotten because that, my love, is an impossibility. I will simply wait in line until it is my time to see you again, outside of my dreams.
I have a lot to tell you. My God…