I had no choice. You left me no choice. I tried, I begged, I cried. Stop hurting me, grow up. Face your demons. Enough is enough.
You didn’t hear me because I was too afraid to lift my voice. Only in silence could I admit defeat.
I wanted to fight for love no matter what it did to me. I wanted to be the one who didn’t look back and have to say true love was lost. You had made me feel my highest highs and lowest lows. When I looked at you I understood why people marry. How could I make such a sacrifice? How could I let this go, after everything? No, I would endure. As long as I could rest in your arms and look in your eyes and be by your side, I would endure.
But something changed in me, slowly, over time. Something deep inside that was tired but hungry and determined rose and demanded the truth. I was too battle weary. There was too much to forgive, too much to forget. Either path would lead to a sacrifice of part of myself. I had to choose between giving you up, or giving up the part of me that could be happy. Stable. Functional. At peace.
If I had the strength baby, I would have done it on my own. But you were my first, nothing in this world seemed powerful enough to keep me from you. I was driven by the need to protect you, above all else. It was a terrible weakness, and I used it.
I slept with him so that I would have to leave you. I opened a door and sealed our fates. I couldn’t lie to you, and I couldn’t tell you. I just took his hand, and left.
Our worlds completely changed overnight. I didn’t know where you were, what you were thinking. I pushed your present out of mind and mourned our past. I grieved for months, hiding my tears while he slept. Longing for you, aching for you. Hating myself, and my sins.
But when I would see you, you weren’t there. Instead there was a boy, lost, angry, and confused. He was strange to me, and hostile. He looked at me with empty eyes. Rarely, and only a handful of times, did I see you shining out from within his shield.
Time and distance did their jobs. Eventually, my grief subsided.
The guilt took longer. It took a long time before I would actually begin to allow myself to be happy. Even longer to be really happy. You were always in my heart, even when my mind had shut you out.
The truth is, it was only when I realized that I loved him back that I gave myself permission to embrace it. From that small seed of hope grew the capacity for devotion to self, as well as to lover. I am not consumed by my love for him like the forest fire you were to me. And that is why, today, I stand so strong. His love has enriched me. I am blessed to have loved so strongly, and now to be able to channel that love in a healthy manner.
I wish you hadn’t fallen apart. I wish I could be there for you, to love you and make everything alright. I want your suffering to end, as mine has.
Please let yourself find happiness.
You will always be in my heart.