I HATE that I can not hate you. It is utterly ridiculous that after ten months of keeping my distance, building walls, fortifications so strong you had no chance of getting back in. Then the other night happened and I was tired, exhausted of mentally tensing every time you walked in that I took them down. I let you slip in if only for that night. You were the glorious man I fell in love with again, not the empty shell that turned your back and left me sobbing in my kitchen. What do I do now, you’re that sweet, funny, passionate man that would look at me with so much love I felt like I was looking into the sun if I tried to withstand such a noble gaze. I didn’t realize how much I missed that man and how much it would terrify me to do so. I am so scared and I don’t know what I’m more afraid of, giving you the chance to hurt me again because you did and just like so many other things you did it perfectly. no one has ever done a better job. but what terrifies me just as deeply is giving you up now that you showed me that man again, losing him forever. How do I say no to you when you look at me like that? How do I say no to something that makes me feel safe as I’m spiraling down deeper in it? How do i not lose myself in it again?