• you.

    by  • June 24, 2011 • Anger • 0 Comments

    how the fuck was this ever fair? you are a nasty piece of fucking scum. you’ve fucked up my life so dramatically that i don’t have a fucking clue what it was like before. you took my fragile, vulnerable heart in your hands and you controlled it like an object, you shattered it, crushed it, broke it until there was nothing left but the tiny bloody pieces of misshapen moulten mush that are no use to anyone. i’ve tried ramming the pieces back together, forcing them to get back in their rightful place, heal themselves like a newborn heart, untarnished and beautiful again. but they don’t fit anymore. they’re irreplacable. nothing works and nothing makes sense since you left me. i’ve drifted from guy to guy, trying to seek solution or solice in their greedy arms, but finding nothing but sleazy, sexual encounters under the shelter of the bitter night sky. i’ve ended up a slutty mess with no one left to pick up the pieces, everyone’s past caring for me anymore since you fucked me up so badly. i’ve severed ties with friends i’ve liked so strongly because of you, trying to get over you has caused me so many problems with friendship and trust and boundaries and knowing when to say no. and then suddenly this guy springs into my life, who wants me for who i am, not just to satisfy their filthy pleasures. and i don’t want him. i look down on him as if he were scum, someone not worthy of my affection. i compare him to you and then he becomes no one. i just keep thinking of your smug little smile and soft hair, shiny teeth and those cold chamelion eyes, and i taste bitterness in my mouth. and i ask myself how is this ever fair. how the fuck is it fair that i can’t have the life i so desperatley crave and yearn and starve for because of you? how is it fair that you stroll into my life and fuck everything around and leave before i’ve had a chance to even register your presence. i’m supposed to be young and not damaged and happy. but instead i’m so full of bitterness, and sadness for you, because you’ve broken me so badly that there isn’t a soul on this earth who could save me. no one except you. you sit there in your lovey-dovey sickengly sweet little romantic world with the “love of your life” and you pose for pictures together smiling, laughing, cuddling, just being. and those pictures burn a whole where my heart used to be. i look down and i see the charred edges of my ribs where my heart was burnt from my chest, i watch the two of you stewing in happiness and smugness and you laugh at people like me, desperate people broken by their past. and you forget that you used to be one of us, when i first met you you were broken and bleeding and suicidal, i tried to save you, to restore you from the pathetic emotional wreck you were, the one who spent nights alone scribbling post it notes about his broken heart, and i saved you from him. and you took it and you spat it all back at me. everything i gave to you you destroyed. i grind my teeth and i think about everything to do with you and a mixture of tears well up and bile builds up in the back of my dry throat. and i have the urge to punch you so hard you can’t breath, i imagine damaging you the way you damaged me. i want to wrap you around my tiny little finger, until you’re hanging like a puppet off the strings of my every word. i want you to love me the way i love you, desperatley, pathetically, needily. i want you to fall asleep next to me staring at me as i softly breathe and imagine the dreams i’m having behind those beautiful eyes. then i want to take your vulnerable, lovesick heart and rip it to pieces, tearing each ribbon of fleshy muscle apart. i want to storm out of that fucking door when i feel like it and never come back. i want to leave you standing there in the pouring rain begging for me to come back, screaming my name into the blackness, sinking to your knees in desperation. then i want to tell you that you aren’t good enough for me, i don’t have feelings for you. i want to look you in the eye as i tell you i don’t love you and your heart shatters into a thousand pieces, the way mine did for you. i want your guilty conscience to rear its ugly head and realise what the fuck you did to me. i just want you to realise how you destroyed my whole life. you ruined all of it so badly, and i’ve got nothing to show for it. i’ve got two guy friends who hate me, one who thinks i like him when i don’t, two who i got down and dirty with and now won’t speak to me and one who used me to get to my best friend. that’s how fucked up things have gotten now. and they’re all. because. of YOU.

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