Why. The only word that has been in my head for the past 24 hours.
My family moves every 2 years. The one time I stay in a country long enough to let someone love me, I screw up.
I don’t know exactly what happened, but I do know that it’s my fault. I’m sorry I have a lot of attention from guys. I’m sorry I don’t know how to deal with them. I’m sorry I don’t like hurting their feelings- which is exactly what you want me to do. I’m sorry that these guys became my problems. But what I’m most sorry about is that I decided to come to you about these problems.
Because now, you’re sick of it. You’re sick of me saying “Oh goodness, what do I do?” even though it was sincere. I don’t know what to do about other guys. I hate hurting their feelings and I feel like the only way to make you happy is to do just that. The one time I tell you I don’t want to talk about it because I know you’ll get sick of it, you get upset. My fault, I know.
Either way, it’s a lose-lose. I tell you about my problems, I’m sure you’ll get annoyed. I don’t and you get even more upset.
“You know, I wanted to date you to get closer to you, not the opposite.” Stab to the heart. And what cuts it even deeper is the fact that now I feel like you’re ignoring me.
The worst part of this is the timing. My life is falling apart. I don’t know who I am, I don’t know where I stand, I’m still not over the death of one of my best friends and a close family member is dying. I can’t live up to everyone’s expectations and I feel like my hopes and dreams have to be sacrificed because of it. There are days when I go on walk, find a secluded spot of trees and just bawl because I’m scared that I’m going to hurt myself to the point where I won’t come back.
And the only person on this earth that I feel like I can truly be myself around is you.
Now, I’ve got no one.
But I can’t blame this on anyone else except for me. It’s always me.