• I can’t let go

    by  • June 24, 2011 • Heartbreak • 0 Comments

    I don’t know how or where to start.

    I dreamed of you again last night. That is all I have of you now, just dreams. I loved you so much. I waited three years for you. You let me down. You have broken my heart more than once.

    You left me the first time because I wouldn’t get pregnant until I finished high school. I didn’t want to be another pregnant teen. Then you left. You didn’t even know. I did get pregnant. Then I lost the baby. I thought I was worthless. I wasn’t strong enough to keep the baby without you.

    The time went by so fast. I dated other people. No one I ever loved like I loved you. I kept you in my heart. I asked about you. I even questioned my sanity sometimes.

    Three years later you added me on a website. I had a boyfriend but I didn’t care. Any thing I could do to get closer to you I did. I picked you up like you asked. You ranted on about how sorry you were and how much you missed me. Said we were going to be together forever. Wanted to run away and get married that night. I said no. I had still loved my boyfriend. I’m glad I did.

    You stayed with me and my boyfriend for a week toying with my emotions, with my body, with my heart. Near the end you pushed me away again. You wanted your other ex back. I drove you home. Every mile closer to dropping you off I hated you more. You told me you never loved me and you just used me. A piece of me died that day. I looked at you and laughed. “I’m not even mad at you. You actually taught me something.” I kept driving “What could I have possibly taught you?” you said. “Tim may not know how to fuck, but he knows how to love me. And that’s more than you could ever do.” I replied with a smirk on my face. I had forced the smirk but it was worth it. You looked like what I had said hurt you. I hope it did.

    I hope you think about me a night. I hope sometimes you dream about me. Waking up in cold sweats like I do. You can’t imagine the hurt you put me through. All the wasted time, all the tears, all the lonely nights calling out to you knowing you’d never come back.

    I still wonder what might have been. With all the pain you put me through, I part of me still loves you. Not the guy I picked up that day, but the man I met the first time you walked in my kitchen. I man I fell in love with….

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