• Dear Mom,

    by  • June 24, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Abuse, Parents • 0 Comments

    Fine, you want credit for raising me and my brother? Okay, here it is:

    You made us into the people we are today. You guided us through school and have ‘put’ us through a prestigious private high school, at no cost to you thanks to our full scholarships, that obviously you helped us get. You taught us morals and lessons, and also to hate and despise ourselves because we were never good enough, in any department, not grades (though near perfect), looks, attitude, etc. You made us, or at least my brother into a fine musician. You sat with us to practice until our fingers bled, beat us until we got the notes right, and made us dread playing. I can’t even play today because of the gripping fear that you will run in and hit me if I even miss a beat. Luckily, my brother is stronger in that regard. You taught us that nothing is easy, that you must work hard, and that friends are not important. Through your words, I have learned not to trust anyone, and that makes me very rarely able to have any sort of relationship with anyone. Your way of motivating us was through harsh words, insults, criticisms, beating, and hurting us. This left us scarred and needing therapy, though my inability to trust anyone doesn’t let me go see a therapist. You help us out with college costs, though in my brother’s case that means nothing, because his full ride was ‘all your work’ and in my case means I must be where you want me to be and study what you want me to study or you won’t help. My upbringing gave me the strong exterior and mask I portray myself with, keeping everyone at arm’s distance, but it also makes me extremely easy to break and send me into a panic attack. I can’t even talk about anything important or in the past without breaking down. The few people I do manage to get close to, I cling to, terrified of losing the few people that make me feel like I’m worth something, of losing those few words that make my life worth living until I see them again. You taught us the value of money, talking about its importance every time you were able, talking about college as the means of getting it, and measuring success by the amount of money had. You must have taught the lesson well because my brother has lots of money, not from you but from ‘finding’ and selling things. People think we are kind and courteous and that you taught us well, but we both try to give people respect from the getgo, unlike you. We try not to be like you. We are not racist, homophobic, bigoted in any way, unlike yourself. One of us is bi, which would probably make you disown us, but the other accepts it and loves the other no less for it. We learned to smoke to soothe ourselves from you and how to shield ourselves from hurtful people. We have survived.

    If you want credit for the good, you should be willing to take credit for the bad too, right? And if you think we hate you, we don’t. We still love you, no matter how bad we are as people, as sons and daughters. Thank you for everything you’ve done for us, but there is still a lot of damage needing to be fixed.

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