you asked me time and time again if i was scared of you, if i am scared of you. for the first few times, i didn’t give you a response, i simply buried my head into your chest, letting your strong arms hold me tight, and letting you know that i trusted you enough to protect me, whether from someone else or from yourself. as time passed and i learned more and more, things changed. i saw you attack one of your best friends. i felt your rage as you screamed at me. and i felt your body shake when you told me what your father has done, and still does, to you, your brothers, and your mother. and then it all made a little more sense.
you wanted me to prove you wrong. you wanted me to prove everyone wrong.
well baby boy, i did. everytime you asked me if i was scared of you, i came up with a new answer. it started just by vocalizing the strong ‘no’ and moved into something entirely different. what you became was someone i loved. someone i love. someone i am in love with. the last time you asked me if i was scared of you, i looked you straight in the eyes before burying my face into you, inhaling your scent. i pulled away just slightly and told you in soft tones, “you don’t scare me. but what you make me feel? that terrifies me. and the strength of those feelings? those petrify me. but you? no, i won’t ever be scared of you.”
you pulled me tight as can be before asking me why. i think that was the night you really realized, or accepted, that i had fallen completely and totally for you.
you won’t turn into your father, con. i promise you. whether or not you want to talk to a therapist is your choice. whether or not you want to learn to manage your rage is your choice. but no matter what, you won’t be him. and i won’t ever be scared to go near you or talk to you or help you.
i only make promises that i can keep.
dont doubt me.
and don’t doubt yourself.
let me love you and you’ll see that i’m right.