• Life will go on but..

    by  • June 23, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Confusion • 0 Comments

    How am i supposed to believe anyone?

    to you dad, i know you love me and you my dad, and i love you too but most of the time your just a complete ass. I don’t understand why you get mad at me most of the time. And i don’t understand why you lied to me for 14 years of my life. And yet you still never have said a word to me. i found pictures, She looks like me you know. You looked a lot more happier with them… i’m sorry i don’t want to be a pilot or a writer or any of the things you want me to be. That time you screamed at me in the old house, you pretend like it never happened. You honestly scared me, i’ve never had someone scream at me like that before. I wish you and mom actually liked eachother. i can hear you guys not getting along right now as a matter of fact. You’re probably moving, even if you don’t get this job, you just go to mt. dora every day. It annoys me how you try to live up to your brother. and hey, it wouldn’t kill you and mom to sleep in the same room for once.

    to the first kid who broke my heart, just because it was only a month and i didn’t “love” you doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt. Everything you said was bullshit. You turned into everything you said you’d never be or wanted to be. But now, i’m replaced with someone else. She’s pretty too, everyone says i’m better…but i don’t really think it’s true. I don’t get how you moved on so quickly yet i have to sit here and think about this every day. I wish you could have just told me why, was it because we didn’t do anything? was it because my “assets” weren’t large enough? what did i do wrong. Then you that i like don’t exist. I hope one day he will come back. I don’t know you anymore, and it kills me to see you so happy and content with life without me. You told me you’d never make me cry. You told me that i deserved better than what i had in the past. You told me you were always proud of me. Just two days earlier you said how much you missed me and wanted to be with me. I was with you when you were sick. i stayed next to you. and when you had surgery. I tried my best to make you forget about how much pain you were in. maybe my best wasn’t good enough. But come one i got you a pillow pet. I miss being in your arms… this is a first for me. But what i will never understand is why you put so much effort into trying to win me over from choosing the other guy. But why am i still glad i didn’t choose the other guy…? But hey, i’m just another girl on your list. Just like you said i wouldn’t be. i honestly thought you were different..my mistake. i still have that stupid pumpkin thing and it still says “keep this forever”. i keep my word.. why did i try so hard to get you back? i made myself look like an idiot. i’m not a conceited bitch, you know i’m not. I’ve just tried to be the bigger person the whole time and i broke. You taught me alot thought. You showed me i could actually feel for a guy. You taught me that i shouldn’t believe the bullshit that comes out of guys’ mouth. I’m sure you haven’t thought about me at all the past two months. You hurt me alot, but you honestly don’t give an absolute fuck.

    to uncle, your parents have done nothing but try to help you. i don’t understand the things you do. i don’t understand why you have to be an addict. You need to take responsibility for once in your life, you’re like 60 years old for goodness sake. You’re such a smart man too, skilled i should say. But in the mind you think of no one but your self. Your parents are in their 80’s and they do nothing but worry about you. Stupid drugs, screw them. And to think you almost had a child? At least you can somewhat take care of your pet cat.

    to my best friend, you’re beautiful. I know you hurt inside all the time, because of him. He was special to you, i wish he was still yours just as much as you do. I hate never seeing you smile and mean it. You told me you cut yourself one night, and i broke down crying. i couldn’t believe it. You scare me, you talk about killing yourself casually as if it’s a joke, but it scares me. You listen to depressing music and it’s going to make things worse. i want you to be happy and see you smile, because you’re beautiful, and you have the biggest heart in the world. I wish boys would never break hearts. They weren’t meant to be broken, they were meant to be loved. So many people love you, please remember that.

    to my old house, i miss you. This new house isn’t even close to how great you were. You had room, and places i could get away to. I had privacy. But we couldn’t stay there much longer…you were expensive. i wanted to cry when i saw you completely empty and my mom asked, “does this make you sad?” but i didn’t. The house i live in now makes me want to run. i have no privacy. i can hear everything and anything that’s going on. I know i sound spoiled but it sucks.. things could suck worse though. I’m kind of laughing right now because you’re an inanimate object that i’m writing a letter to… But i know when i grow up i’ll drive by once in a while, just because.

    to both of you- while i was growing up, you two made a lot more money than you do now. Why the hell didn’t you guys ever think to put money away for me for college? or savings? or something? i go to a public school now and you can barely afford me. I don’t have the grades to get a full scholarship. I promised myself a while ago that i’d never go to a community college, well hey guess what i get to do? I don’t want to spend the rest of my life trying to pay off student loans. Thanks guys.

    to you up north- hey we’re struggling and we need $$. You have a lot, and it’s supposed to be ours. The will says so. But you’d never help us out. It would have been great if I had gotten something in that birthday card last week… You know you have more than enough to spare.

    to one of my other best friends- i wish you weren’t so insecure about your body. No one else notices, and i don’t understand why you would put yourself through surgery when it’s not necessary. It actually makes me mad sometimes, because you’re already perfect. I also wish you understood how i felt about him. But i feel dumb when i talk about him to you. Your friends with him so he’s good in your eyes.. But i’m happy for you and your guy. It just makes me feel alone when i hang out with you guys, because i wish i had that. Maybe not exactly to that extreme but something close..

    Everything just frustrates me. So i’ll just try to forget about all of it for now..

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