• I Just Don’t Know

    by  • June 23, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Confusion • 1 Comment

    Dear love,

    I’m so happy in your arms. When you’re with me, everything is okay. No, it’s better than okay, because nothing else matters with you by my side.

    But when you aren’t there… I get scared, I get lonely. I start remembering things that happened before you… and I start to miss him. Because yes, I love you, but there’s some kind of love left over for him… You don’t know about him, just that I loved him once. You don’t know I still talk to him. You don’t know that he calls me and we talk a while… You don’t know how if he were here… I couldn’t see him. Because if I saw him, I can’t promise I’d remember you.. I could end up throwing away everything we have for a few hours with him. Not because I love him more, quite the opposite… I don’t know why I’d do it, but I would. You know how I get frightened for us. This is why. I don’t know what to do, but I know I can’t lose you. I just can’t…

    I love you. I love you. I love you.
    And I’m sorry.

    One Response to I Just Don’t Know

    1. danich
      January 26, 2012 at 12:56 pm

      Hello C and if it isn’t you, it damn sure sounds like you.

      I found another letter on here that I am positive is from you. The one about “You’re too gentle.” Couple that with this and I see you more clearly.

      I damn you for never opening up to me. For setting us up to fail. For expecting me to overcome something I couldn’t do alone; I NEEDED you to help me with that so I could stop being that sham of a man I was. I almost hate you – Almost.

      I wish I could hate you all the way so I could purge you from my existence. My heart keeps telling me to wait for your call, a call I doubt will ever come, dreading it all the same because I’m not sure I’d be able to respond with anything better than “Fuck you” while my heart screams at me to not do that.

      The way you handled the whole thing was just so flipping wrong, so unfair, unkind and even cruel. Why, my head asks, why do you still hope for a future with this woman who treated you so terribly, who broke your heart so willingly and intentionally, why?

      But my heart has no words to answer with. I wish I could hate you but I just can’t.

    Leave a Reply