• I Hate It

    by  • June 23, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Confusion • 1 Comment

    My BFF,

    Lately, I find myself completely lost in my thoughts of you. I can’t stop myself from thinking about what could be between us, and what life would be like if we were together. I know that this is the wrong thing to do considering you’ve already told me you don’t want it that way, but the thought just won’t. go. away. It’s so frustrating to try to suppress the thoughts and just have them creep right back up. You’re my best friend but no matter what i do I can’t help but want more.

    I just want them to stop. I want the thoughts to go away. i want my body and mind to realize that we’re not meant for each other. We’re in high school; no one is meant for each other. Yet, I can’t get you out of my mind. I love you so damn much and i can’t make it go away.

    I can’t even explain how angry I am that they just won’t go away.
    I hate it…I hate it.I hate it.I hate it.I hate it.I hate it.
    Just go away. Please…

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    One Response to I Hate It

    1. BG
      June 24, 2011 at 6:48 am

      About 8 years ago, when I was a senior in high school, I learned that we had a new kid. Fortunate for me his locker was right beside mine, so I got to experience his awesomeness for 4 minutes between every class period. He was smart and funny, and I fell for him. It was the first time I fell for someone based more on their personality than their looks. School started in August, I was infatuated by September, and we were best friends by October. Being gay and falling for your best friend, who is not gay, makes life complicated. Falling for your best friend regardless is always complicated, especially when those feelings are not being reciprocated.

      I have since then gone to college and graduated with a Masters degree. Does that guy from 8 years ago still linger in my thoughts? Almost every day. Even though we have stopped being best friends, and haven’t talked in nearly 3 years he is still on my mind. And I think he always will. It’s a tough lesson, but a lesson I had to learn nevertheless. We can’t always control who we fall for, nor can we control how they return our feelings. Unfortunately life isn’t always as pleasant.

      Take this lesson and remember it’s value. Don’t let this love ruin other chances for you. Don’t compare future romantic interest to this person, because they won’t live up to the standards you have created in your mind. Let yourself experience the love of someone who is truly interested in sharing those feelings with you. Be angry. Be sad. Experience all the feeling associated with this infatuation and work hard to let it go. Holding on to it will blind you from another great friendship and other great loves that you could be having.

      It gets better, I promise.

      Best of Luck, Sincerely,
      Lesson Learned




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