• Heart-To-Heart With Myself

    by  • June 23, 2011 • Depression • 2 Comments

    Depression. We meet again. The on going battle is done. Depression has successfully taken over my life, crumpled it into a ball, and kicked it around like a hacky-sac. I have no energy or passion for anyone or anything anymore, which kills. In the past month, I’ve gained over ten pounds and let go of myself. School has ruined my life. Every milisecond of a millisecond I could cry about. As I walk into the die-hard Catholic jailhouse with the bags under my eyes, I have to face the “Why do you always look so depressed?” and “What are those marks on your arms?” This is a disease. Fuck those who tell me that this is all just a “phase.” You’re god damn delusional. It infects my body and tears it apart, piece by piece, until I hand over the light-hold glue keeping it from shattering. I have lost all passion for life, for family, for sports, for school, and just about everything else.

    Mom, I’m sorry for causing you so much pain. I can’t help this. The fact that you asked me “What can I do to fix this?” kills me inside. Mom, you don’t know what it’s like to wake up every day and not want to be waking up; what it’s like hurting emotionally and physically every day and keeping it all bottled up with a Made-In-China smile for fear that someone may notice that I’m deteriorating more and more every second. I know you hate that you don’t know what I’m going through and it makes you angry. I’m sorry that I can’t fix this. I’m sorry for making you say the words “I refuse to wake up one morning and not have you there to tell me good morning. And I know it’s about to happen.” I wake up wanting to cry until I’m all dried up from my head to my toes, but can’t because my medication restricts me from doing so. I wish to be gone- like I never happened. I wish to know what life would be like without me. For, what am I really? I’m a human. There’s something… like six billion of me out there.

    To my friends, I’m sorry for my bitchy antics. I didn’t mean to blow up on you. I never meant to push you away. I never meant to tell you I didn’t need you when I actually needed you above all else. ____, I love you. With my whole heart. You’re one of the four reason’s I’m living. You are my best friend. Without you, I’d likely be six feet under. I’ve used you as my punching bag ever since this has started. I never meant for it to get like that. I just can’t help the fact that I’m angry- at myself, school, my family, and the fact that there really isn’t a for sure cure for what the hell I’m going through. I hope you realize that I would take it all back if I could. I should have never taken you for advantage. Because, quite frankly, I feel like I’ve caused you enough shit that I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to drop me off your face of the Earth. ___, you’re the friend that I’m infatuated with. Equally, my best friend. I find you beautiful in every way. From your head to your toes. From your personality, to every flawless quirk you call ugly. Once again, you’re one of the four reasons I’m living. Without you, I would be gone. Vanished. Finished. The way we’re exactly the same person in two different bodies bottles my mind. The way that I can come to you with anything and your advice flows like water in a river. It’s almost rehearsed. The way your words make complete sense and things that I love. You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever met. Without both of you, I will die.

    2 Responses to Heart-To-Heart With Myself

    1. Matthew
      June 23, 2011 at 11:48 pm

      I don’t know if you are a young man or woman, but you letter I can empathize with. I’m young person and many many times I felt this way and I dealt with my issues in the following manner, sometimes not all at once.


      1. Cry and Pray hoping in god for some relief.
      2. Talk to a close friend (same sex preferably)
      3. Spend time with friends to distract my mind. Be affectionate.
      4. Drink alcohol, preferably wine before bed.
      5. Listen to religious music eg “Yahweh I know you are near” and “Deliver Me”
      6. Make a conscious decision not be too harsh on myself ie accept and forgive myself for my inablities, failings, weakness.
      7. Go to confession (the most effective of all imo, my MAIN means of coping)
      8. Start dealing with my problem bit by bit. I start talking to myself and ask what little can I do to make my life more livable.
      9. Try out new things, become part of an activity of service even if for a few hours. look out for/try experiences.

      I hope this helps you. Main things #6 and #7. I’ve got a low self-esteem and a bad self image myself so I soooooo understand and can relate to your feelings. The links for the 2 songs are below

      Yahweh I know you are near – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PjLoQerp4Pk

      Deliver Me – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lnXYxevk-ak

    2. Matthew
      June 23, 2011 at 11:50 pm

      Also, I forgot one other main thing that I do. I journalize. I write down how I feel in a Journal/Diary. When time has passed, looking back on ‘our past’ is quite rewarding and fulfilling. It helps me with my self-discovery, decision making, self-image and resolving internal conflicts.

      That would be my number 10. Number 11 would be to smile. Yes smile. It helps change you, your mood, and your environment.


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