My Perfect Summer Romance,
I wanted to stay with you forever. Then we broke up, and you said you never loved me. It hurt, because I gave you my virginity and you had proposed. We were excited for our life together. I tried to commit suicide, and I cut myself. I don’t know if you knew that.
But life goes on.
I fell in love with your best friend. He saved me; he was my knight in shining armor. You said it was fine if we dated and that you were happy for us. I was over you. My relationship with my knight was perfect. We were so happy together. The picture of love.
The next summer you came back to me, and said you always loved me. You said breaking up with me was a mistake.
I screwed up that summer, so bad. I cheated on my beautiful knight with you. I knew that I had to choose, and I choose him. I had to cut you out of my life.
I told my knight that you raped me, even though you didn’t.
It worked though. We dropped you out of our lives like a bad habit, since that is what you are. We don’t talk to you anymore. This hurts you, I know. It broke your heart, seeing your best friend walk away from you and drop you from his life completely. Well, that’s how I felt when you left, just so you know.
I knew that if I wanted to stay with my knight then you would have to leave. I need my knight. So that is why I lied. I’m sorry I lied. I wish I would have just told him that you would have to leave for it to work. The end result would have been the same and I wouldn’t have this nasty secret.
Unfortunately, cutting you out didn’t work. I still miss you. I still think of you, when a song comes on the radio, somebody says something, when I smell certain smells, or when I come across an old photo. I can’t get over you.
I threw myself into school, photography, my relationship with my knight. I’m engaged. Did you know that? I have a ring and everything. I even have a wedding theme picked. No matter what I do, I can’t get over you.
I’m starting to fall again. Sometimes I want to cut again… I haven’t cut in so long, because I quit. I was happy for a long time, until you came back. I fought the urges though, but now they’re back. I want to cut.
It gets worse though. I think about drinking, and I have a couple times. I haven’t told my knight. I drink to escape the pain. Sometimes I think about taking pills, too.
Sometimes I think about running away, and never coming back. Just packing my bags and leaving in the dead of night.
Sometimes I think about never eating again, so I can feel as physically empty as I do emotionally. But I’m always forced to eat. Sometimes I think about never sleeping, so I don’t have to dream of you.
Sometimes I think about suicide. I’ve fanaticized about while driving down the highway, just turning the wheel into oncoming traffic. I’ve wondered what it would be like to sit on the train tracks and wait.
I’m so close to the edge of the pit that I crawled out of when you left me the first time. I feel like I’m just going to fall in headfirst, and hit the bottom hard.
I still love you, but I hate you so much.
Me (I used to be your angel)