• What to Say

    by  • June 22, 2011 • Abuse, Closure • 0 Comments

    To You:

    I’ve always wanted to do this. I’ve always wanted to say something to you, but I never knew what. my life will never be carefree and will never be simple because of all the horrible things you did to me.

    So what to say to you. Should I tell you how much you hurt me and destroyed my life? How you made me ashamed of who I was? How I never knew what love was without touch? i have suffered so much because Of what you did. Did you know that after I told, I got beaten instead of you? did you know that no one was there to comfort me. No one would touch me, talk to me, even look at me. I was so hurt and confused. What you did was wrong. I didn’t do anything. I wasn’t the one that deserved the punishment, that was suppose to be meant for you! I wasn’t the one to bring shame and disgrace to our family. that was you. those sticks that they beat me with didn’t hurt as much as the reason why. Did you know that my dad, my own dad, would blame me for what happened years after? did you know what that did to me. He would say i deserved it! That I was fucking asking for it! How? How the hell could I have been asking for it, when i didn’t even know what was going on? i didn’t know that what happened wasn’t suppose to be happening. I didn’t know that what you did was not out of love. After all we were family.

    When you got arrested, I was ecstatic! Finally it’s over! But boy was i wrong because if it wasn’t for my big mouth blurting it out to my therapist, you never would of gotten caught! And when you went to court and they fought on your side. You could never understand how I felt? I was their baby, their ‘last one.’ And they choose you to defend. That was what killed me the most. That was what shattered my complete existence. Was it because you were a boy, and boys could never do any harm? Was it to save face and the family ‘name’? Why? To this day i still don’t know why, and i don’t think i ever will. I hated them after that! Almost as much as I hated you! i was a child! Why didn’t they protect me? Why didn’t they care? Why didn’t they love me? Instead they protected a fucking pedophile. instead they loved you!

    I never experienced a ‘normal’ childhood. Because for me every day was a constant struggle to open my eyes each morning . everyday was a struggle to not end my miserable life. To just end it all. I don’t know what kept me going. Probably my anger. You created so much rage inside of me. So much hate! I detested everything and everyone around me. My thoughts of violence and destruction consumed my entire being. consumed me so wholly and i had no way to release it, but to return the pain by conflicting it upon those around me. I lashed out so violently that mommy almost sent me to Juvenal Detention and boot camp. Didn’t they understand why i was so mad? Didn’t anyone see how hurt I was? No one even cared, they all acted like everything was normal, like nothing happened. Well it did! I wanted to beat it into them all. But I knew, I was smart, that being sent away to some facility would not be good for me. So I took it all into myself. The scars on my body spoke and showed the pain i couldn’t express into words. They scars I still have to this day, the scars that made me feel alive and human.

    As I grew up and became an adolescent, you still had a horrible affect on me. I flew in and out of relationships trying my hardest to find out what love is. My numbers started to skyrocket. For me love was touch. Love was sex! Even if they were using me for it, for a moment that person needed me, they had to have me they wanted me. it came to a point where I didn’t even feel they physical pleasure, and it became an obsession. Such a deep rooted obsession that i felt I would never be able to form a ‘real’ relationship. because sex is not love. Do you know how long it took me to realize that? Do you know how many endless years it took, for me to realize it, to say it.

    For the longest time i never thought I would be happy, never thought that I would find someone to love me and accept me, but I have. He’s made me see that despite what you did to me, I am not fucked up. i am not damaged goods that should be thrown away and forgotten. I am not garbage! It took my a really long time to be able to finally talk, and I mean really talk, about what happened to me. It was just as painful as it was when it all happened. But the more I let it out the more I felt freed. What you did to me can never be erased, but it will never ever again be the main focus in my life. My life will go on! I am no longer your victim! I AM A SURVIVOR!! For the first time in many, many long,terrible, suffering years I can say it and mean it!! The tears I now cry are no longer bitter and contaminated with shame.

    Because of where I am now, because I am a survivor, I forgive you. Not to many victims could say that about their abuser. Never ever in a million years, will i ever forget! there are still some days, even now that I linger on the past, but I can come back now, even if it takes me awhile. I no longer drowning in an eternity of darkness. I now truly understand the phrase “what doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger.’ I am now stronger and I could face anything thrown in my way. The chaos you have created no longer lives inside me.

    I haven’t seen you in years, and i hope I never do again, but if I do, I will not stand there frozen in fear. I will not lash out and try to attack you. I will simply just walk away with my head held high. Your part in my story ends here.


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