• Please, be happy!

    by  • June 22, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Lost Love • 3 Comments

    Dear Christopher,

    I love you!
    You’re my favorite actor. I tell this to everyone now, everyone who asks me.
    You were perfect, I’m sure you are perfect now.

    I was a girl. A small girl.
    When we met you were 23, I was 15.
    I have no idea what you liked about me…probably at first you were simply curious about the country you’ve never heard of. There was half of the world and oceans between us.
    You live in NY, I live in a small country in central Europe. English is not my native language. The time I woke up and went to school you were falling asleep in the end of your working day. It was so amazing!

    Those times the Internet only started gaining its popularity. I had access to e-mail box and chat-rooms only several hours a day in school. I didn’t have even PC at home.

    You were so grow-up. An actor who is performing at the Broadway theater. And you were very kind to me and you liked my awful English, you were so tender and sweet and caring.

    So many e-mails were written…so many word were told.. You helped me to went though many hard moments, including my grandmother’s death..

    Several years I enjoyed our relationship and you became the closest person to me. You was the one I kept in my mind while falling asleep and you were the first one I though about when waking up.

    Then there was a moment we never discussed – the moment you made me a surprise and came to my country. I have no idea how you did this, how you found out about the places I went to… I saw you. I know it was you. However at that moment I suddenly became scary of meeting you in person. I was sure you were not going to like me. I am not perfect. I knew it. So I simply run away that December night. I didn’t fall asleep that night..

    I was so sorry for you. I left you there alone. I could meet you, hug you, kiss you.. I wished for this.

    I’m very sorry.

    However you were so kind to me that you never mentioned this in our correspondence.

    Thank you for this!

    Later you started talking about love and relationship and the feelings between us. I loved your love letters the most. I printed them and still reread over and over again.

    I was 18. Still a silly girl. A girl who was never loved, kissed, nor even hugged by a boy. I’ve never danced with a boy,.. I have never noticed boys around me.. what for? I had you.

    You were my life and the only one who brought smiles at my face. You knew this.
    You were my first, single and huge love. You didn’t know this.

    Then I received this love e-mail from you. You declared yourself. You told me about the deepness of your love. You proposed me to come to your place and live with you. I was 18. When I received this message, I cried. I cried for several days.
    I was graduating school. I was deciding my future life – it a stress. I was very unsure in myself, I never had self-confidence. In fact, I was sure you were not going to like me in offline life. I was very afraid to disappoint you. You were so perfect.

    I loved you with whole deepness of my heart, but even more than that deepness I was afraid, I was scared almost to death. You were asking me to change whole my life, actually to turn it inside out, to move to NY – the place I had noone but you. To leave all my friends, parents, country. I was not speaking English perfectly.

    You wanted me to choose between you&uncertainty and the rest of my whole life. It was the hardest chose in my life.

    I replied you lying about my true feelings. I told you I loved you as my big brother, not as a lover. You believed me.
    YOU BELIEVED ME! Why? Why?
    You knew me better then anyone else, but you believed me that easy..

    When sending you my reply I was sure you would not believe it and would convince me to tell you the truth about my feelings.
    But you didn’t.
    You replied agreeing to be friends.
    This caused me a huge pain. But I was a stupid girl who was very afraid of life and of changes.

    We continued our correspondence.
    But it became infrequent, then rare..
    then happed the most worrying event.
    As soon as I saw news I wrote you. I was writing you every hour. I ran from one Internet cafe to another and was checking e-mail box and writing to you messages begging you to reply.
    You kept silent for two days – the most awful days in my life.
    I had no idea how I could find out about you. I kept checking e-mails.

    What a relief! You finally replied and I knew you were alive and fine and… however you guessed that I worried about you because I loved you. Your reply was so exited and loving.
    I didn’t have to lie you again. You supposed that our relationship was not going to work out.. this was your last letter to me. You promised to write me soon, but you never did this.

    Why? Why you believed to the little scared girl who showed you in every message for more then 3 years how much she cares about you when she told – only once – that the love was not the one you saw? Why you gave up that easy? I don’t understand.

    I was waiting for your new message for 5 years. I entered University, I got a degree, I started to work.. I waited for your message every single day.
    Then I gave up.. my friends were calling me out, to dances, I refused them for 5 years.. finally they convinced me and I met a boy… he is a good man.
    He was the only one who kissed my lips ever. I was kissing for the first time when I was 23 years old.
    I kept this kiss for you; you’ve never taken it from me.

    Then I decided you will not be back in my life. I decided you did choose the better life without me, a life where there is no place for me. So I tried to move on.. that man said he loves me.. when I was 25 we married with that man.. we’re married for 3 years. I can not tell that I’m 100% happy, but I’m ok.. sometimes I even laugh.

    In every day of my life I’m missing you. I’m blaming myself for the scare, folly, stupidity.. I know it’s my fault that you’re not in my life any longer.. I’m very very sorry about this. But I can not get why you believed my lie so easy.. Why? Will I find this out ever in my life?

    I still write you e-mails sometimes, many of them are unsend, some I send to your old e-mail box, which you probably don’t check any longer.. I still want to believe in miracles and wish to find your message in my mail box one day..

    I tried to search you in social networks, but I failed..
    Don’t worry, I am not trying to find you to reconnect with you, to get into your life.. I just want to make sure you’re happy.

    I’m very grateful to God that I met you, I’m happy that you were in my life. Even if I never get answers from you.. I’m glad you’re living on the same planet where I am. I’m thanking God that HE created you.

    I wish you to be happy.
    I love you! I still love you with all my heart; you will always be in my thoughts. I can not change this; I don’t even want to change this.
    Please, be happy!


    3 Responses to Please, be happy!

    1. M
      June 23, 2011 at 1:07 am

      There are mistakes which change our life desperately.
      It could become a beautiful love story, but it’s a sad one.

      It’s good you’re moving on, you even married.

    2. Nick
      June 23, 2011 at 1:32 pm

      To find a person into social networks is the easiest thing.

    3. Natalika
      June 24, 2011 at 12:46 am

      Nick, it’s not easy when a person has a popular name along with very popular last name. When searching, I got about 300 profile results and most of them had no pictures.. writing messages to all of them I consider annoying, you know.. it’s like spamming..

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