• Lost Innocence

    by  • June 22, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Yearning for You • 0 Comments

    You stole it from me, you know, or at least that’s how I want to think of it, to keep the blame off of me. I was only 17, you were the hot teacher and coach, you won me over. I had to lie to my parents, my friends, even myself, I snuck out late at night and hid my car just to see you. I gave up my summer just to try to get you to love me. Because I love you, but you only pretended. You only liked me when you were drunk, so we finally stopped hanging out. I carried around the guilt, slowly but surely forgiving myself. Then after summer ended and I saw you at school, everything flooded back. You would text my friends, but I didn’t care. I needed you back. I’m sick, don’t you see? I am addicted to you. By Christmas, you were using me and I wanted you too. I practically begged you to. I let you do things no one else had ever done because I wanted to make you happy. I turned 18 during baseball season, I saw you practically every day, and the addiction got worse. But you weren’t drinking anymore, so I felt like this time was real. Like you meant all the lines you said. I was fighting inside of myself, half of me wanted to protect the last little innocence I had left and the other half wanted to give you the shred I had left, as a final offer for you to keep being with me. Our secret relationship weighed heavy on me, and you never cared as much as I did. After graduation, you finally took me out on our first date, of course to a town an hour away so no one would see us together. After we lost in baseball, we had the sweetest moment. I still think about it everyday. I had never been happier, I was riding the high of what i thought was your “love” for me. Once I came back from my trip, everything had changed. You detached yourself, and I was left with all my emotions while you had a magic way of acting like you never even cared. What am I supposed to do now? I’m broken. I gave you too much of me, and I got nothing in return. I’m left with a dingy measly image of the girl I once was. I had this huge secret and I feel it everyday. I secretly dated my teacher for over a year, now it’s over. It’s sickening to think you were my first love, that’s not how it’s supposed to be. I’m supposed to fall head over heels for a stupid teenage boy, and we’re supposed to fight then get back together, but instead it was you. I was supposed to gush to my girlfriends about every detail of us, but instead I have to keep everything a secret. You’d lose your job, I’d embarrass myself and my family. The valedictorian caught sleeping over at the coach’s house? Real classy. I’m ashamed, your sorry’s mean nothing because they’re just empty words. Yet even as I cry in front of this screen I just want to go to your house, more than anything. I want to kiss you and joke with you because we fit together so perfectly, or so I thought. Connections with other guys don’t feel the same, it’s like a cheap, muted imitation. I’ve tried to move on, but I can’t stop thinking about you. Everytime I see you it catches me off guard, a sharp knife in my stomach and I can’t breathe. And although the pain is so severe, all I want to do is stay there to soak up the precious seconds I have looking at you and talking to you. Do you even know how much you’ve taken from me? I will never be the same, the rest of my life will be affected by the year of high school I wasted. I will never get my senior year back, my memories of school are forever soiled. I had dreams, plans, but I no longer have the motivation. I would give anything to once more hear the lies you fed me, and I would give anything to have this completely erased from my life book. The smile you loved barely comes around anymore. Will you take all the memories I have, and please give me back my bruised, beaten mangled heart? And while you’re at it, my innocence.

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