How are you? I hope you are well. Regretfully i bring terrible news. We have just received your latest test results and unfortunately they were positive. I am sorry to inform you that you do not exist. This is a very rare condition that is only found in good-looking men who are confident, not creepy, honest, and clever. These men typically have common sense, brains, and a sense of humor. Early signs of this condition is a lack of jerk or douche like behavior. Doctors have been searching for a cure ever since 1920, when the 19th amendment was first passed. Alas, they have not yet discovered any form of treatment for your condition. However you must not lose all hope, doctors recently reached a large research breakthrough. Unfortunately this breakthrough was canceled out by the creation of the “Lax Bro,” so there is still nothing we can do for you. Have a nice day and thank you for your time.