• Careless

    by  • June 22, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Hatred • 0 Comments

    I hate you. I’ve never hated anyone in my life and I hate you. I’ll never admit it to anyone- because it’s just not me. This isn’t how I am. I’m always the sweet, quiet, non-confrontational, pacifist one, but you’ve caused so much destruction. I’m so ashamed of myself for not being strong enough, but I can’t take all the blame on myself. You were part of the relationship too, and I believe 1000% that even though I broke up with you, you were the one to break my heart first. You broke it with your empty words, your unrealistic expectations of me, your name-calling, your anger, your yelling, but worst of all, your carelessness. I used to admire your IDGAF attitude, but it turned out to be your biggest fault. Do you realize the weight of the heart that you had laid into your hands? I trusted you- I never trust ANYONE. I told you EVERYTHING. I did an experiment with myself and decided to see what it would be like if I just threw everything out the window and gave my soul to someone. I tried to see how far I could go without getting hurt. I told myself to “love like I’d never been hurt”. I tried to be confident, and not care what you heard about me- I gave you everything I had without fear of being judged. I NEVER do that, and my heart was so raw and open and laid out there in front of you, and I was absolutely terrified. But I just pushed myself and never tried to pull back, mostly because you told me not to. You TOLD me to give you everything. And naively, I obeyed.

    But apparently you didn’t know the weight of everything. You couldn’t see the fragility of my heart. You dragged it around at whim, and abused it whenever you felt like it. You basically used it to wipe your ass every time you felt like shit. You took advantage of me, viewing me in a two-dimensional way as the typical shy, meek, quiet girl. But when you discovered there was more to me than that stereotype, and that those traits are only a tiny fraction of who I am, you weren’t happy with me. I didn’t fit your little caricature of The Perfect Girlfriend anymore, so you punished me for it.

    Sorry honey, but I didn’t realize your love was a prize I had to earn. I didn’t realize that it could be taken away like cat nip every time I do something to displease you.

    Did you even realize the extent of the cruelty you were inflicting upon me? How hurtful it is to be ignored by who I considered to be the love of my life? The silent treatment really sucks. You might’ve remembered me telling you that was the cruelest way to hurt me. But you probably don’t. It was just a coincidence.

    You didn’t realize the weight of this situation. Maybe I’m just more sensitive than you, or maybe you’re just extremely self-centered. Mayyyyyyybe.

    Just admit it. All you care about is your self-image, and you’re really just an extremely insecure person who uses that IDGAF attitude to avoid facing the truth- that you can hurt just as deeply as you hurt me.

    I’m still hurt by the way you’ve treated me, and you’ve pretty much solidified my belief that all guys are jackasses. You didn’t help me with my trust issues at all- in fact, you’ve set me back about 5 years. I have the most loving, patient, kind, wonderful boyfriend now, and I can’t bring myself to open up to him and trust him like he trusts me because of how you fucked me over. I can’t get over that. And I know deep down he won’t hurt me, but I can never know for sure, because I have the memories of my first relationship still. I won’t forget how badly you’ve treated me- I have the world laid at my feet right now, and I can’t accept it. No, he doesn’t give me diamonds or love letters or chocolate or money- he gives me respect, and patience, and appreciation, and consideration. That’s more than you could ever offer.

    The reason I’m writing so much to you is that you’ve cut me out of your life so I have no way of communicating with you otherwise. You just ignore me. That’s the worst possible way to hurt me- and you knew that. My greatest fear is to be abandoned, and it happened.

    Don’t ever write “love always” at the end of your love letters again,
    your ex girlfriend

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