• The Lightbulb

    by  • June 21, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Depression • 0 Comments

    I was the firefly that didn’t know how to stay away from the light. You were that light. For years I tried to make things work with you and every time we got close to getting together you would change your mind. I would be devastated every time.

    By our sophomore year, I wanted to know why I kept going back to you. I needed to find reasoning behind why I would go back to something so dangerous, something so — so impossible to let go.

    Either it was 1) God hated me and wanted to see me in this dark pit of hell whenever I got hurt by you or 2) I was in love with you.

    I went with the latter of the two because I had always been told “God doesn’t hate you,” and I felt right when I said I loved you. Then I really said it. I really let you hear me say “I love you.” And I meant it. I couldn’t believe I had said it. I thought it would make everything between us better.

    But it didn’t. I knew it wouldn’t. In the back of my head, I knew I could never have you . I almost gave you everything I could offer. You would have been my first everything.
    I saw you with another girl.

    After that my life was a downward spiral to the real hell that I never thought I would see. It was the darkest point in my life and you were the cause of it.
    Somehow I brought myself back up by reading and trying to help others and by staying hopeful and reminding myself that I didn’t need you, that I was strong enough to live without you.

    I went a year without talking to you. We made up exactly a year after everything ended between us officially. But then we only talked a few times after that and now I know that we really weren’t meant to be.

    I still love you. I probably always will, even if we never had our chance. Or at least I think I love you.
    I will always be that firefly and I’ll always think of you as my light.

    Things are better now, and I just want you to know that you put me on the path that I’m on today… It’s not a bad path, it’s where I belong and I hope you are on the right to where you want to be.

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