• I’m trying, I promise…

    by  • June 21, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Addiction • 1 Comment

    Alex,

    There’s things I want to tell you. We have known each other a short amount of time but you have proven to be one of the best friends I will ever have and I am sure of that. I know you know to some extent how i’m feeling now and I wish I could tell you more. I can feel it already, though, the pushing. I’m pushing you away already and I know you said you wouldn’t let me but i’m not sure. The feelings and thoughts are continuing and they are worse then before. I have one wish. One want.

    My addiction.

    All I want is to cut. Deeper and longer and harder then I ever have. Til the bleeding doesn’t stop and I can watch it hit the ground around me and pool in my hands.

    I want to drink and drown in every feeling the alcohol gives me. Become consumed in the overwhelming feeling of momentary giddiness.

    I want to get high. I want to smoke the spice until my heart beats too fast for my body and it takes me over until my heart can’t handle beating anymore.

    I want the end. I want to end the fighting. The suffering. The pain.

    I’m trying and I know your seeing it. I know that you were disappointed in me the other day. That wasn’t my intention. I didn’t want you to find out but I was too incoherent to realize what I was saying to you. I want you to know, I am trying. I’m doing all I can and I hope that you don’t see me as I see myself most days. A failure. A monster. Falling to my knees in the hole of my depression.

    I’m trying, Alex. I’m trying. I promise.

    Thank you for being true to me and helping me through all of this.

    Your friend, Cate

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    One Response to I’m trying, I promise…

    1. e
      June 21, 2011 at 12:18 pm

      please please don’t. if nothing else, for now, just focus on what it would do to alex if you were gone. you matter, you are worth it. if you can’t see it, remember that alex can.




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