There’s things I want to tell you. We have known each other a short amount of time but you have proven to be one of the best friends I will ever have and I am sure of that. I know you know to some extent how i’m feeling now and I wish I could tell you more. I can feel it already, though, the pushing. I’m pushing you away already and I know you said you wouldn’t let me but i’m not sure. The feelings and thoughts are continuing and they are worse then before. I have one wish. One want.
All I want is to cut. Deeper and longer and harder then I ever have. Til the bleeding doesn’t stop and I can watch it hit the ground around me and pool in my hands.
I want to drink and drown in every feeling the alcohol gives me. Become consumed in the overwhelming feeling of momentary giddiness.
I want to get high. I want to smoke the spice until my heart beats too fast for my body and it takes me over until my heart can’t handle beating anymore.
I want the end. I want to end the fighting. The suffering. The pain.
I’m trying and I know your seeing it. I know that you were disappointed in me the other day. That wasn’t my intention. I didn’t want you to find out but I was too incoherent to realize what I was saying to you. I want you to know, I am trying. I’m doing all I can and I hope that you don’t see me as I see myself most days. A failure. A monster. Falling to my knees in the hole of my depression.
I’m trying, Alex. I’m trying. I promise.
Thank you for being true to me and helping me through all of this.
Your friend, Cate