• Fishin’ in the Dark

    by  • June 21, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Breaking Up • 0 Comments

    Dear my Starfish,

    I miss you. I miss you in the can’t get out of bed in the morning, can’t stop thinking about you, can’t stop crying, pathetic type of missing. I am so sorry for ending this, I regret it now more than ever with everything that has been going on. I need you now more than ever and I have lost you; although I technically threw you away which makes it much, much worse. I had hoped this break would give us some time to realize that we want to be together more, and it truly did for me, not for you however. I want you to be happy, I truly do. From the beginning of this all I ever wanted was to make you happy. I can make you happy though, and I think you have forgotten that. If you let me fight for you I will, I will fight harder and with more force to show you that I can and will always be there for you to make you happy, but if the fight is already lost, then please let me know so that I can get used to this pain. It is so hard without you right now. My grandpa is getting much worse, I am home alone day after day answering calls about how he is coming along, and after each call I am left in tears, which makes me want to have you sitting next to me so very much. Austin has made himself much more present in my life; he snuck into a party that I was at and made it clear to me that he understood that you would no longer be there to protect me. Which is true, as much as I hate to admit it. I don’t have you to make me feel safe from his presence in my life and my nightmares. To be honest though, I would chose his nightmares over my new reaccuring dream. Seeing myself with you, happy, every night is much harder to wake up from than having him haunt me. I can’t wake up every morning knowing that reality is now much much more painful to face than sleep, when it used to be the opposite. I miss you, every song reminds me of you. I tried to box up your things, but after all this time it seems that I would need to box up my entire life in order to completely forget. And to be honest, I don’t want to forget you. It hurts me to remember, but you made me into the person I was when I was at my happiest. I really hope that person can come back because she has disappeared ever since you left. My wall of pictures has holes in it now, I can’t decide if seeing the empty spaces where your face used to be is worse than seeing the many pictures of us together, happy, and in love. I miss you, so very much. Please let me show you what I can be for you, please.

    Love always,
    Emily

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