All I ever wanted out of a high school relationship was a boy who treated me well and made me happy. You did that; you showed me that there are boys out there that aren’t afraid to show how much they care about you and that they do care more about just the physical side of a relationship. I had been involved with way too many boys who had used me and treated me like crap, so you seemed to be so close to perfection that I could hardly believe it. Here we are, eight months later, still together, and I love you. I think I love you. I love when we’re together, for the most part, but sometimes when I’m alone the thoughts of your several flaws attack my brain and I start to wonder am I in love, or am I simply attached? Am I with you because I want to be or because I’m afraid not to be? When I broke up with you, I felt like I was completely alone and that I was actually going to die. Getting back together with you was the happiest moment of my life. I knew then that I loved you, or I thought I knew that. But here we are, back to our normal relationship, and honestly, I am quite bored. A year ago I was partying maybe 3 times a week, hooking up with multiple guys a night, drinking, going out, and just having fun. You criticize me a lot for that time of my life, and I don’t blame you, but I have been trying to decide which me was happier. Maybe the stuff I was doing wasn’t honorable, but I am a teenager. I want to experiment at this point of my life and allow myself to do crazy shit I wouldn’t get away with as an adult. Now, we are almost three weeks into summer and I haven’t had a single drink or gone to a single party. I am beyond excited to finally go out on Friday; it has been so long. It’s hard because I am friends with a lot of different groups of people, but you are the complete opposite. You have me, a couple of kind of close friends, a best friend who is at camp all summer, and that’s about it. Sometimes I hang out with you because I feel like if I didn’t, you would do nothing. I miss how close I used to be with my friends, and our relationship has actually ruined some of my friendships completely. I don’t put all the blame on you, I have made these decisions myself. The problem with that is that I have waited until now to realize this. I wanted to spend all my time with you, and I grew apart from my friends, slowly but surely, until my life was you. I never used to care what people think, but it is the main thing that consumes your mind. Now I am so afraid of how people are going to judge me, but I always was the loud, obnoxious girl who never gave a fuck. I want to be friends with some people but I refuse to allow myself to simply because I know you would be mad because you don’t like them. You’re overly jealous and it gets really annoying when you get mad when I talk to other guys. They are my friends, you are my boyfriend. I would never stray from a relationship I have committed to, and I wish you would just trust me with that. I know I have a somewhat sketchy past, but I was also single then. I just did crazy stuff and blamed it on the alcohol, and said fuck you to whoever wanted to judge me for it. I’m a lot different from who I was then, whether I want to be or not.
I hate saying all these negative things about you; I feel like such a terrible girl friend. But at the same time, I know I’m a damn good girl friend. I take care of you when you’re sick, buy you random presents often and go all out on holiday and birthday gifts even though you don’t, I make you random cards, I compliment you on things I know you’re insecure about, I pay for the majority of my own meals, coffee, ice cream scoops, etc, I am almost always in the mood to have sex, and if I’m not, I’ll reluctantly give you something else to satisfy you anyway, I pitch in to buy condoms, and I don’t care that you smoke even though it’s a quality I always said would turn me off enough to walk away from a relationship. My friends tell me I can do so much better, and I think I can too, but I don’t really think there is something better. Maybe it’s my sucky experience with all the ass holes and the douchebags I spent my summer with last year, but I know you’ve proved to treat me much better than they ever had. You kiss me on the forehead, send me mushy gushy texts, dress up for me, interrupt almost every story I tell to remind me I’m the most beautiful girl in the world, you make me CD’s with perfectly selected playlists to show exactly how you feel about me at that moment, buy me packs of gum every week, you give me the best hugs I’ve ever experienced, fight with me for hours because you care, and you told me I’m “The One.” That phrase scared the fuck out of me and gosh, I wish you didn’t, and even though I didn’t say it back I don’t want to let you down. I want you to be right. I want us to be happy forever but I’m scared in order for that to happen I’m going to lose myself. I was the happy, loud, spirited girl who didn’t care about what anyone thought and slowly throughout my junior year I grew to be quieter, I am now scared to speak in front of the class, I have less friends because I put my life into us. Now, you’re leaving for college in a couple months along with the majority of the rest of my friends I have managed to keep and I’m going to be left with more lonely nights where these thoughts will enter my head. Missing you will tear me apart and I’m afraid I won’t be able to handle it. I cry a lot. I miss when we were happy…together, apart, always. I want us to go back to that. Remind me why I love you, please. Show me that I do, and I’m not just here because I am afraid of what else the world would show me without you.
I don’t think I know what love is