• I’m so afraid to love you.

    by  • June 20, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Confession • 0 Comments

    Dear Brandon,

    You’ve been in my life for nearly two years. You’ve been a great friends from the time I met you that day at the fair and I have no doubt you’ll remain a great friend in the future. After many months of built up sexual tension and curiosity, you finally did it; you kissed me. And it was nothing less than wonderful. Quite honestly, I never expected us to date, but look at us now. You’re the absolute best boyfriend I’ve ever had. On top of that, you were my best friend even before we were dating and still remain so. Now, as lovely as all of that sounds, it scares me.

    You know what James put me through. He took away all of my first and my innocence and left me for another girl. Actually, he left me for many other girls. He changed who I was and made me do things I didn’t feel comfortable with. You know what Eric did to me as well. He was so jealous and obsessive that he made me stop talking to you as well as the rest of all my friends for a period of months. I was in the worst fit of depression ever when I was dating him. He coerced me into many things….he took me to hell and back. As far as Justin goes…well, you know what he did. I almost love him, you know. It’s true. I almost loved him and he left me for another girl.

    Look at this pattern. I don’t pick winners. I never have. I’ve been left for so many other girls, it leaves me to believe I’m unlovable. You have to understand, I’ve been forced into sex I don’t want to have, isolation, silence, and many other sexual exercises that made me uncomfortable. I’ve never been treated right. We’re only a little shy of 2 months into our official relationship and I fear that sooner or later, you may turn out to be like the others.

    I know that’s not in your nature, really. As a matter of fact, you’re really nothing like them and I should know better for even thinking that after being your best friend for two years. Can you blame me, though? I know how in love with me you are and always have been, and I want to feel that way too, but I just can’t. Not yet, anyways. I fear the moment I start loving you is the moment I’m going to stop.

    I don’t know what else to say except I hope to God I’m proven wrong.

    Leave a Reply