• Here I go…

    by  • June 20, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Lost Love • 1 Comment


    It’s funny, only written 5 words so far, and I have already done a couple things I told myself I wouldn’t do. I used your name in some nearly impossible hope that someone you know, and show this to you, even though knowing you, you probably will tell them not to. On the off chance you do see it, this should be easy for you tell who wrote this. Your resolve in this whole thing is, from the outside at least, truly unwavering. Part of me admires you for it, but part of me hopes that tommorrow, you will wake up and just talk to me. The first day of my summer TA was one month to the day of the last time we spoke. I know you dont like me saying stuff like this for a lot of reasons, but I told you I would never lie to you, so honest is what I have and will continue to be. Not a day has gone by where I havn’t thought of you. Driving around PV, I look for you anyehere that you could possibly have a chance of being. The malls, behind the wheel of cars that look like yours, even though I know you are literally on the other side of the world. I realized that your brother was the age where he might be taking the class I am TAing. Even though your family are not exactly in my fan club, I still hoped like no other that he would be there. No luck. I can’t remember if I told you, but I saw Yellowcard a couple weeks back. You would have laughed, i was so stoked when i caught the singer’s guitar pick. The reason i bring this up is 1) their new album, in addition to being music we probably could have listened to and really enjoyed together, has a lot of songs that remind me of you with every lyric. You tell me to keep trying, and I have, but i can only do so much. When I saw Yellowcard, they played Only One. If that name doesnt ring a bell, youtube it, I hope you will remember. One of the first songs I gave to you. That chorus…I didnt realize how much it applied to me until Ryan started singing it on stage. I shouted every word of that chorus at the top of my lungs, every time. I wanted to call you, let you listen to what I was hearing. And now I am just getting into The Script. If listening to them doesn’t make you think of me, then I seriously doubt you meant it when you said you want to try again when we are both out of school. The more I think about it, the more i want it to be sooner. One of the first things I thought of when i got my new car was “I can visit her when she comes home now”. I know we can;t be together this very second, and I am at peace with that. But i just want to be able to talk to you. You remember how suddenly my sister got her cancer. It kills me not knowing if you are safe, healthy, happy. Even though you are ALWAYS happy. Come back jess. The thought that won’t go away for me is “this is wrong.” Plain and simple. Not a dam thing has changed in the past month and 5 days. I still love you. I wouldn’t even be upset with you if you suddenly called, or showed up at my door. I don’t know why I am writing this. Its nothing I havn’t said before to someone at some point in time. I just want it to be the future. I want my best friend back. You really do know me better then my parents do, then I know myself. It doesnt matter how different we are. I like metal, you like pop. Optimist and pessimist, hopeless and hopeful, yin and yang. When something happens, you always knew what to say, and how to say it. Remember your promise. That night, i told you I was scared i might have forgotten. This is me tellin you that it feels like yesterday. Don’t throw away this friendship, this great love we had. I want to try again, more then anything. I want you.

    Hoping for your bullet,

    Your Philosopher

    One Response to Here I go…

    1. Steph
      June 23, 2011 at 8:54 pm

      Your letter is proof of your ever loving heart. Sometimes songs are the only way we can communicate how we truly feel, even if the words are not our own. Don’t give up. Don’t stop believing.

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