I don’t understand why we do this to ourselves. I don’t understand why you have this hold on me or I on you – if you would call what I have on you a hold? I don’t understand why everytime you lie to me I believe it without even a second thought and every time you are around me you feel the need to lie. Why can’t we just go back?
Its so hard for me to hear your name. Whenever I hear your name I go back to years ago, when you and I were inseparable. When I spent all day and night with you, unless we were sleeping. When I could call you – no matter what time of the day or night, no matter where I was, no matter what I was doing – and you would be there to rescue me. When you would hold me all night while I cried. When we made fun of those who hurt us together. When we defended each other down to the core. When I could look in your eyes and know you were my best friend, my other half, my soul mate and that you would always be there for me. When I could call you mine. And then I have to remember that now all of that is gone.
I just don’t understand. I mean we’ve gotten in fights before. We went months without talking that one time, and at the end we ended up spending a night crying together and telling each other how sorry we were and how we couldn’t have life without each other.
We agreed, we were just friends. And as much as I HATED that, I needed you there, even if just as my friend. I forced myself to be okay with that. And after months of us getting back to where we were and months of me getting used to us being “just friends”, and then we both got drunk that one night. And I was okay with that night being just a drunken hook up. Because you said that was all we were going to be, friends. Then YOU stopped me. YOU looked me in the eyes and YOU told me that YOU loved me. YOU made it more than just a drunken hook up. YOU made it mean something. Then the next day you stopped talking to me. Again.
And we went almost a full year without a word. Without a text. Without seeing each other around. And I cried over you, I cried every time I got drunk, every time I heard your name, every time one of our memories were brought up. Every relationship I tried to have I ended because in the end he wasn’t good enough. Becaue he wasn’t you.
And then last month, the first time I see you in almost a year, we’re going trail riding with the same people. And I end up sitting next to you. And I decided not to say anything. Hell I was trying not to even look at you. But it took all of what? 5 minutes and you and I were right back to being “us” again. AND AGAIN, you told me you loved me and you cared. You said it wasn’t the right time for a girlfriend because you were moving in a few days but that you wanted to keep talking, that you wanted us to work, someday. You told me this over and over again until I believed you. I believed you so much that I cheated on my boyfriend that night. I broke up with him the next day. Because I wanted to prove to you that I was all in. Because you said you would be all in if I was. And then we talked for a week, flirted. I thought you really cared about me again. And then I got told the truth – you didn’t want me, you wanted her.
TWICE you did this to me. TWICE it started and ended the same way. Why would you do that to me? I know I hurt you, I know that I screwed everything up that could’ve ever been between us. But did you honestly have to do that to me. You KNEW. You knew because I told you over and over and over again. I LOVED YOU WITH EVERYTHING I HAD. I wanted nothing more than for you to love me back. But I had accepted it. I had come to terms with the fact that the feelings were not mutual, that whatever chance there may have been for you and I was gone. I was okay with it. I was okay with just a goddamn hook up. Then you had to say that. You ruined everything. You made it more than a simple drunken hook up, you made it mean something. Made it mean more than any other time, with any other person. Why? Just so you could rub it in that it was no more than a drunken hook up. That I didn’t mean a damn thing to you, that I was no better than the stupid bitch you fucked last year at bike week then called to tell me about it. We laughed together about that stupid girl, about the fact that you never talked to her again, that you didn’t even care. So who did you call to laugh about me with? Was it her? Did you call her after trail riding and when I was texting you and flirting and telling you how much I cared? Did you two laugh about how stupid and gullable I was for the second time?
I trusted you with every ounce of my being. I would have put my life in your hands; I HAVE put my life in your hands, and felt completely safe. I loved you more than anyone or anything in this world. I considered you my best friend. You meant everything to me. AND YOU USED ME. How could you? After everything I ever told you, after everything we went through together, it all meant nothing to you, I meant nothing to you, and my feelings meant nothing to you. And you know what sucks, more than anything about this? As badly as you fucked with my heart, as completely and utterly you hurt me and shattered my emotions, even though you killed all my trust in every man that may ever enter my future, even though you still refuse to talk to me, even though you talk shit about me, even though I mean absolutely nothing to you, I still love you more than anything in this world, I would still do anything for you. I would still to anything do keep from seeing you hurt, I would forgive you in a heartbeat, I would still put my life in your hands, and I would still give anything to have you back in my life. I still defend you whenever one of my friends talk shit about you, I still cry over you – all the time. You are still my one and only.
My heart still belongs to you, and I fucking hate it. And I wish I could hate you. I’m so fucking sick of feeling like this, it’s been over two years. But it’s not getting better. So thanks, so much best friend for doing exactly what you promised me you would never do.