My Heart to J “Banana”
I will try to make this my last and final letter to you and hope by the time LETTERS I’LL NEVER SEND post it I’ll be alright, and you’re happy and content as well.
I wonder if she misses me as much as I miss her…she probably doesn’t. My best friend, whom I told I love. The one who told me I was loved and she couldn’t live without. I left when she just found someone new. My replacement. It didn’t take long for her to stop calling after I never responded, after I disappeared. I wonder if she misses me as much as I miss her, I wonder if she thinks about me as much as I think about her. A part of me wants her to hurt. Her tears of my joy to flow through her eyes as she thinks I’ll never talk to him again. Tears would make me feel a little better. A part of me hopes she is happy. That she found something…anything. I just missed being missed by you, missed being a thought. I can’t help but just write. I have no one else to confide to except this pen and paper. I miss the sound of her laughter. The sound of her voice, I miss the way she sounded in the morning when she calls me right after she awoke from her dreams, I miss it because I know I’m the first thing she thought of when she woke up and started her day. The person she couldn’t start her day with without out telling me she loved me, I was her favorite, I miss being her favorite. I miss everything. I listened to the voicemails you sent me saying you missed me and wanted to tell me goodnight, and that you loved me. I missed your voice so I listened a couple times, I know pathetic. I just needed to hear your voice. I need to just move on but why is it so hard. Getting over 5 years isn’t easy I guess. Maybe it was easier for her to move on because I left her around her birthday..fucked up I know. I’m sorry honey I love you and wish you happy birthday. Even if you didnt hear me say it I really do wish you the very best each day everyday. I think I’m just afraid, afraid I’ll never find someone as interesting as you, as sweet as you. You, I can say the most corny things to and you would just laugh. I could say anything to and you know what I mean and that’s why I loved you, because you loved me no matter what flaws I carried, no matter how ridiculous I get, no matter how angry I have been you loved me each day. I loved you for that. I’m not sure why you stood beside me for so very long, I’m not sure why you loved me the way you did, but I will never for a moment forget one day that went by that we spent with each other. I wonder how many letters I’ll write before I’m over this. I’ll just keep writing if my mind is in turmoil, as long as my heart stays shattered. Again I can’t help but ask, I wonder if she misses me as much as I miss her. Want to be thought in your day. If I keep thinking that, I know it will help me move on but destroy me inside. The thing that’s helping me is also destroying me a little bit inside, because the thought of you can’t escape my mind. Kind of like a beautiful plant with a scratch will leave me paralyzed. WHAT THE FUCK!!! why can’t I ever have what I want. I want you. I just to hear you tell me you love me. Please tell me you love me again. Just one last time. If I called you what would I say? What would you say? Would I be able to talk to you, or would we both be stuck in silence. Would you be angry. I wouldn’t blame you. I love you baby, and if I did call you stuck in silence I’d hope you would know at least that much. I miss you so much and hope you cried. I hope you are happy. I’m not quite sure what I hope for really. I love you and I hope you miss me like I miss you. Your my favorite…
All my loving