I miss you. I wish I had the guts to tall you that I love you, but I don’t. I wish I had the courage to stop acting like some school girl and just move on, but I don’t. I’m stuck in limbo.
I live this grand lifestyle for me, but not for me alone. Partially, I want you to see everything I’m doing with myself and all the places I’m going and want to be part of it. I want you to want what I have.
Why won’t you talk to me? Why won’t you tell me what’s wrong with you? Why won’t you just answer me when I try to ask? To be honest, I don’t really want the answer. I know you won’t say anything because you don’t want me to be the one asking you what the matter is.
You know I’ve had body problems, and issues with my looks. Now I’m in that spot again. I cry to myself for hours on end because I’m scared to see you (I haven’t in months.) I don’t want you to see me like this. So big, and unattractive. How could you ever love me?
I see you so sad and my heart breaks. I literally feel something resembling pain for you when I see you like that. I wish it would go away and you could just be happy. Even if it wasn’t me that made you feel happier or better or happier, I would sleep a little better at night knowing that you’re alright.
I hate it when people crowd me or mess with me or just suffocate me. You don’t. Maybe that’s why I love you. I also love how you’ll never take advantage of me. You’ll never do anything I’m not comfortable with, and you’ll never make me a promise you don’t intend to keep. That’s just how you live your life and it’s beautiful. I get mad when you don’t think your life is beautiful. It is, and I wish I could hold that light close to my heart and let it spread into every corner of my soul.
God, see how bad it’s gotten?
The ugly truth is simply that I’ll have to move on if you don’t say anything. I’m tired of making the first move and not getting anything back. I’m done playing dumb, and I’m finished with feeling like a fucking moron.
As much as I want this to be a “hello” that will change my life, I am truly convinced that this is going to be the end, and that hurts me. Oh well. One day at a time.
I love you.