I lied to you. I don’t know why I did it. Maybe because you always teased me and made fun of me, and I just didn’t want you to think I was even more of a loser than you already did. Or maybe it just wasn’t something I could bear to be teased about.
You know that I have never had a good experience with a guy. Not one. I have never had a guy completely respect me, or really love me and want to be with me. I’ve never had that. I’ve only been out on one real date…with a guy who actually wanted to get to know ME. Even though it ended badly, I still appreciate that. Because, you know, I am pretty. I’m not saying that to be conceited, but I know that I am. In my group of friends, I was always the pretty one. But it was my friends who got the devoted and caring boyfriends, who lost their virginity before I did, who found someone they may actually want to spend the rest of their life with. There are guys who have shown interest in me, or so I’ve heard. But not one of them has asked me on a date. Turns out they only wanted to get with me…you know, fuck me. So then this guy came along…I didn’t like him, wasn’t attracted to him, whatever. But he showed an interest in me as a person. He liked my personality and my sense of humor and didn’t focus on what I looked like. So when he initiated sexual activities, I didn’t put up too much of a fight, even though I didn’t want to do anything with him, even though I had told him no. It was only third base, but. So I “excitedly” told my friends: “Guess what happened?!?” I wanted to feel like I was wanted, like I had someone like they did, I wanted to feel accepted by someone. I felt like my friends were in this exclusive club that I couldn’t get into. So I saw that as my chance.
So then when you asked me if I was a virgin, I lied. I said no. But technically I was. Oral sex is sex, but it’s not…sex. I didn’t want you to tease me about being a virgin. That whole topic was sensitive because to me, my virginity symbolized the fact that I was unwanted, unlovable. So I lied. And I’m sorry. Because the first guy I had sex with, the person I lost my virginity to, was you. I really liked you. I might have even loved you.
I know this doesn’t change anything between us. I trusted you, I cared about you, I wanted to believe that you could be that guy who proved to me that Prince Charming was more than just a fairytale. To be fair, you didn’t know. And that’s my fault. Maybe you wouldn’t have slept with me if you knew you would be my first. Because you really are a decent guy underneath it all. But even so…in the end, even you didn’t want me.