• It is so hard.

    by  • May 20, 2011 • Heartbreak • 0 Comments

    Dear YOU,

    if you ever stumbled upon this you would know that this was meant for you too read.

    I was the 6th grade girl and you were the 9th grade boy on myspace that was known for his looks. The one who if you went to his pictures there were a million other girls besides me trying to get his attention. I hoped that one day out of all those girls he would notice me. I had bad skin, bad teeth, bad clothes, but somehow i hoped so badly that i would stand out to him. I commented on his pictures, left him comments constantly but i never got a reply. Giving up, i decided to send him one last message. I asked for his number, and he told me that i should text him because he was going on a walk around the neighborhood. He didn’t give me his number in the message for me to text him, so i found it on his profile instead. Looking back now, he didn’t give me it because he didn’t want me to have it in the first place. I started texting him, sometimes he would reply with a couple short words, other times, he wouldn’t reply at all. Still, i kept constantly trying to talk to him. It somehow worked into where we would talk a lot. Not talk about things normal people would talk about, but deep things. Family, Friends, Divorces, and the lack of a father figure in my life (which i never talk about with other people). Talking to him became a get away. When something was wrong, when i was hurt, when i was crying, and for him it was the same thing. It was good knowing that even though everything else was moving fast around us, at the end of the day we always had eachother. My 7th grade year, his Sophomore year in high school he began seeing that i wasn’t like any other girl. For me, he brought my confidence up a lot, because i never in a million years i thought he would talk to me. From then on i realized that he wasn’t just this ‘cute guy’ from myspace. He was kind, he was sweet, he was funny, had the best personality, and overall he understood me like no one else did. He took the time to figure me out and i trusted him, which was rare because i never trust guys. He started getting feelings for me, texting me every morning which made my day, and telling me goodnight, leaving me in a good mood before bed. As for the conversations we had throughout the day, they were amazing. My 8th grade year, his Junior year, it continued to get better and better, but the fact that we hadn’t met, and my age were always on his mind. He was the most honest person i had ever met, so of course he told me when he thought about these two things. He told me he wanted to meet me, and to hangout and see if this ‘cyber relationship’ could go any furthur then a text message conversation. At the time my mom was so strict about guys that she would have never thought about letting me hang out with him, that upset me even more because i knew i wanted to but never could. He also was concerned about our age difference, although he pushed it to the side and tried not to think about it. Halfway through my 8th grade year, he distanced himself from talking to me. It was awkward for me because for the past 2 years i didn’t know how to deal with him just automatically stop talking to me. I was confused but just kept it to myself. 2 weeks later i saw his default picture and my heart dropped. It was of him and his new girlfriend, and a milliom things went through my mind. It put me back into reality, put me into a state of mind that made me realize she was better. She was better because she was blonde, and a cheerleader, and perfect, and they saw eachother every single day, when we haven’t even met. We didn’t talk for the whole time they were dating, but i was still constantly thinking about him. I tried texting him a lot, but he was so faithful and wouldn’t reply. 4 months later in about june (before summer going into freshman year) i was amazed to find out that they broke up so soon. I didn’t care about anything, i was happy that they had broken up and hoped to FINALLY meet him, and i would hope it would be soon. About 20 days after school got out, my bestfriends older sister, who is like my older sister as well, told me that she has just seem him at a party the night before. She knew we talked, but she didn’t know to what extent that we talk. I was irritated that someone i was with all day every day met him before i did. She started going on and on and i heard her say that he was going to be at a party that we were going to that night as well. My heart dropped. Again, a million things went through my mind. What would he think when he saw me, would i be everything he expected, would he be the same person he was on text in person. etc. I calmed down and didn’t want to get my hopes up if he wasn’t going to be there, instead i anticipated what would happen if he was. Finally, we got to the party. My bestfriends walked in and then i did, sliding the back door behind me. I greeted everyone i saw, but i felt these eyes just staring me down from behind me sitting on the kitchen counter. My heart stopped and i was scared to look back. I was two feet away from the guy i had been texting for three years finally about to meet him. I greeted one more person, until i caught his eye contact. We both stared for about 5 seconds not knowing what to do, or how to react. I smiled, reached out my hand and introduce myself, it was weird knowing i knew everything about him, but was introducing myself as a complete stranger. He continued to stare at me all night. Not in a creepy stare, but an observing stare, like i was everything he expected and more. We didn’t talk, due to this blonde girl hanging on his arm the entire night. I was a little irritated, but i didn’t have any right to be so i just kind of distanced myself from seeing it. My bestfriend rushed to get me telling me that this girl had just left and he had kissed her goodbye. My face flushed with dissapointment and my bestfriend told me to forget about it and enjoy my night. I tried, but i kept finding myself wondering what he was thinking about me. Although i didn’t ask i wanted to. It was about 2 in the moring when i was about to pee my pants. I rushed to the bathroom getting annoyed from someone being in there for so long with the door locked puking. I waited for a good 15 minutes until i told whoever it was to hurry up and open the door so i could make sure they were okay. The door handle started turning and to my suprisment it was him. On the floor looking like he was about to die. i went to get him water, advil, and a toothbrush so he didn’t have to taste like puke for the rest of the night. Once i got him what he needed i started to leave the bathroom, he blocked the door and locked it so i couldn’t get out. My first thought was that he was going to try and get at me but he didn’t, at all. He told me to sit on the counter where he soon sat beside me. We started talking about everything, but mostly about his future and him about to be a senior. He asked me what i wanted to be when i was older and i couldn’t reply, due to me only being a freshman. I asked him the same question and he sat silent, wondering, but not answering because he wasn’t sure. Instead he looked at me and said “I don’t know what i want to do when i graduate but i know i want to do this now” he grabbed me and kissed me. Not a hardcore makeout, but a passoniate, sincere, kiss. I stood there with my eyes shut for a moment and couldnt believe after 3 years everything i wanted was right infront of my face. A knock at the door interrupted us when i looked down at the clock realized it was 6 am, and we had been sitting on a bathroom counter for 4 hours talking. The knock at the door was my bestfriend telling me we had to leave. I said goodbye to him, telling him to text me. I walked out of the party knowing that he was so much more then just the guy from myspace, he was amazing. The next couple of weeks a mutual friend had a party every single night, we would both go there and hangout all night, passing out together at our friends house when the party was over. We never did anything sexual, and to this day haven’t, he wasn’t a normal guy and he respected me so much more then for me to just be a girl he had sex with. One night, going downstairs trying to find merhunisa at this party there was a halfway opened door, thinking she was in there, i went in. I walked in to see the guy that i had been with for 2 weeks straight kissing another girl. The girl was the same girl from the night i met him. She gave me a “HAHA BITCH” look and he gave me a “oh my god what have i done look” he came rushing after me and i was on the verge of tears, not wanting anything to do with him. I left, right after that and didn’t return to the party that night, i didn’t want to see him at all. After a night of crying with my bestfriend i returned to the party house, where i was shocked to find out that the one night i didnt go, he lost his virginty to some nasty girl. I walked downstairs to keep my cool when i heard someone coming after me. I looked behind me and there he was. His face was so sincere, and you could tell he was sorry, but i was to hurt and didn’t care. I tried running up the stairs and he grabbed me, we then went to the lowest level (gargage) stairs where we argued for along time. I was standing a couple steps above him and he was below me i was just hovering and yelling and crying. We finally talked it out, he explained everything and apoligized, he said that it was summer and although he didn’t want any attachment that i was that one girl he never wanted to hurt and didn’t intentionally mean too. I accepted, and he had to leave. In the morning at 6 o’clock he suprised me climbing into bed with me. We cuddled and talked until i had to leave. After that we talked for a really long time, until the end of summer. 2 weeks before school was about to start we distanced ourselves because it was going to be busy. Me starting high school and him about to be graduating. The first day of school i text him with “have a good day” when i see him in the hallways of MY school. I sprinted away and was SO confused. When did he switch, how did i not know, i wanted to LEAVE. It was awkward after that, when we would see eachother in the halls we wouldnt even make eye contact, we never talked, never texted, nothing. It was like once we got in the same school it was back to acting like we hadn’t even met eachother. Halfway through the year he got a girlfriend. I watched them from a far and cringed every time they came near. I would always see there posts on facebook too, which didn’t make it any easier, at all. It was the hardest thing seeing someone you love with other people, not even acknowledging you anymore. She broke up with him at the end of Feburary. Although we hadn’t been talking, i texted him right away making sure he was okay. Were the kind of people who can have some time apart, but the minute we get together, its like nothings changed. he told me that his girlfriend broke up with him because she wanted to try things out with his bestfriend. I followed up telling him that if he ever needed anything he knows that i will always be there for him. A couple days later i got sick at school and needed to go home. He heard that i had thrown up and texted me telling me to meet him at the bottom of the hallway so that he could get me some water and take me home. Once we got to my house i got out of the car and so did he. I was confused, was he getting out to give me a hug? As he kept walking with me i realized he wanted to come in my house. I was a freshman, whose mom would disapprove if i ever had a guy in the house. My house was so messy, and my room, a diaster. Him not caring, he came in anyways. We layed in my bed and even though i was so sick, his presence made me feel so much better. I’m one of those girls who is so insecure about her body. The only people who have ever seen me naked is my bestfriend and my mom & grandma. He walked into me changing. Not fully naked, but bra and underwear. For once, i didn’t feel judged. I felt like we had been together for so long and that i was comfortable enough to do this infront of me. He stared at me, and i could see that he was in the mirror. It wasn’t a stare as if he was focusing on my insecurities it was a admirable stare, like he knew i had just let down a wall for him to see my body. He got really quite, and many things went through my mind. Why wasn’t he trying to do stuff with me, why had we never done stuff, why didn’t he kiss me, why has nothing ever happened when we both know we want it too. We layed there for a while not touching and then i walked him out. We stared eachother in the eyes not knowing whether to go in for the kiss, when i looked down he walked away and i said goodbye. It left me unsure of what that was. Although i knew it was something, i didn’t know what. That night we discussed what it was for the first time in the 3 and a half years. I finally opened up and told him i couldn’t hold my questions in any longer. I told him that he was amazing, that i was in love with him and didn’t understand how he could see all of these girls in the ways he does, but never see me like that. I told him that i was so comfortable around him and that he’s the only person i could imagine doing anything with and losing my virginity too. I told him how hard it is to see him in the halls every single day, to see him walk right past me like im so ordinary girl in the hallways, how i want something more then what we have been. and lastly, i asked him what he thought. I was scared, really scared to know what the reply was going to be. for the first time i knew i had done something right by telling him, but i didn’t want saying something to ruin what we’ve had going for the past 3 1/2 years. I got his reply and i automatically started crying. He told me that it wasn’t that he looked past me, it was that he intentionally did for the fear of hurting me. He told me he’s thought about me every single day since the day i messaged him on facebook. He told me that i was amazing and that i am his perfect girl and that if we were to have a relationship it would be the best thing that’s ever happened to him. As i kept reading, i knew where this was going and i hated to see us fall apart. He told me that he was about to be 18 and that even though age is just a number to me, it’s about to be the law for him. He told me that he didn’t kiss me or try and do anything with me at my house because he didn’t want me to get attached and that he didn’t want to get attached either. He told me that he would wait for me, for as long as i needed, until i graduated, until he got out of college. He told me that i will always be in his heart, and that i was the most right girl for him, but not right now. I cried myself to sleep that night and couldn’t bare getting up in 3 hours, to go to school, and have to see him. After everything was said and done we didn’t talk. It went back to being the same thing. us not talking, us not even looking at eachother, and the hardest part was knowing that he felt the same way as i did, but nothing could be done about it right now. i was so hurt that it turned into anger, and even though i completely understood why we couldn’t be together, i couldn’t bare to even think about how long waiting was. To this day 4/24/11 it’s the same. It’s so hard walking by eachother, knowing eachothers life stories, who we are, and not even be able to make eye contact. It’s emotional even seeing him. Everytime i do see him its like the words he told me replay in my head and as much as i want to talk to him, i don’t even know what i would begin to say. I know everythings ‘said and done’ and that we can’t be together right now but if i was to say something i would say this:

    I miss you. I never knew what love was like, or if it exsisted until i fell into it without realizing i was.

    Everytime you post something on facebook i cringe at seeing your name and hate that it’s come to this point where we don’t talk.

    I miss the old days as well, where we could spend hours talking about anything and everything.

    I see your name in my phonebook and go to write a text, when my mind goes blank and i can’t even think.

    It’s like that when i see you too, it’s like i freeze, and as much as i want to cry and somehow convice you that things could workout now,

    i will wait for you. I will wait because YOU make me happy, you know everything about me, and you took the time to figure out why i am how i am.

    Nights are the hardest, when im just laying in bed, thinking about if i could’ve changed how this ended.

    But then i remember how it began.

    If you love something let it go and if it comes back then thats how you know.

    That’s something im going to have to live with and learn.

    Your birthdays coming up soon in May and when that day comes, it will be hard.

    I will be happy because you’re happy about being 18, but i will despise the day because thats the day this whole thing is official.

    I wonder if you think the same things i do.

    If you listen to songs and think of me.

    If you see me in the halls and want to say what i want to.

    That one day that we can finally workout is the day that i will forever be happy.

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