• Everything jumbled on a computer screen

    by  • May 18, 2011 • Confusion, To You • 0 Comments

    Dear to the following people I am currently thinking of at the moment,

    I really don’t know where to start so I will just probably be going all over the place with this so-called “letter” I will go in numbers by specific people and at times I will just write things having to do with whatever I am talking about, see..already it’s becoming a confusing mess:

    1) You are my best guy friend ever. I remember when I used to be “obsessed” with you in grade seven. That was the year of unnecessary drama and the beginning of a wonderful – hopefully long lasting – friendship. I really don’t know why I caused much drama. Maybe it was because I just wanted to feel something between “us” or maybe it’s because I was just, well, obsessed. Well the past doesn’t really matter anymore, except the fact that that’s how we became friends. Three – Four years later, currently, we are still strong as ever. I trust you with my whole being and when I say this, I’m not just saying it, I actually mean it. And I know, hopefully, you feel the same way towards me. Something about you just has me stuck on you. They say the crush that lasts longer than three months meaning you might just be “in love”. Well then, I guess that applies to me. It’s been almost four years now..
    I could really just ramble on and on about your everything, but who really wants to read about that? You like new people, and it doesn’t faze me. But at times, I get jealous. And in all honesty, I don’t know why because I know, to you, I will never be more than a best friend to you. Hereing you talk about the girl(s) you like/liked is great to hear because you trust me, but it also annoys me..even though I want to hear it. Anyways, I don’t have much more to say. Who am I kidding? I could write about you non-stop, but I won’t. I’m not. When I say this last thing, I genuinely mean it: I love you more than you will EVER know.

    2) You’re a girl and so am I. We had a past, no history. Our past went a little like this:
    I met you through my best friend, explained him above, and we became close friends. I was so intrigued by you, I guess I obsessed over you a little. You are bi, I’m not..wasn’t at the time(i really don’t know what I “am” at this time) You were also depressed. It was so easy to open up to you. I told you my life. I had these insane feelings towards you which confused me in every way imaginable. I told you. You said things will/would never be awkward between us. Quite frankly, I think to you, things did get awkward and overwhelming for you. And that made you distance yourself from me because I was causing you nonsense. You told me I was clingly and annoying. It hurt like a bitch. It was basically a slap in the face because I thought we were so close. After a few months of misery, we are now currently friends. But might I say, during those few months, it was like living in hell. I was never mad at you personally. I was mad at myself because I had no idea what I eve did to you. All I did was care and love you for you. It was settled through the school’s, I forget the word but yeah. We are now friends, and I still have a bit of feelings for you. But you now have a boyfriend, and I couldn’t be more happier for you. I don’t try much with us as I used to, which I am happy about just because I wouldn’t want to go through the same thing that happened again. Here’s the dilemma. My mom knows about everything that happened and she thinks you’re not right for me. Like to be friends with again. Neither do my friends. But I don’t listen to them, I know I should. But I don’t. I still see the old you, well not exactly the “old” you but how our friendship used to be. But yeah. I just, honestly, I don’t know what to do with you.

    3) You’re my best friend, but you’re a slut. By definition it means you are a girl that has sex a lot with random ass guys. You don’t do that. To me, you put yourself out there a bit too much. I think you’re a bit desperate with boys. In other words, vulnerable. I don’t like it. It angers me. You’re so beautiful in every aspect and your personality is amazing. I don’t understand how your view of “living life to the fullest” is to get with as many guys as you can. You’re so much better than that, I know you are. People reading this are probably thinking, “well then..why don’t you just tell her?”, it’s more complicated than you think. You wouldn’t listen to me. And to be quite honest, not that I hate you or anything because you are one of my best friends, but I hope you get some sort of STD just to see how much you actually put yourself out there. It’s disgusts me. But I love you.

    4) We were childhood best friends and have been, until now. I mean I still consider you as one of my best friends, but I don’t talk to you and to be honest, I don’t care that I don’t talk to you that much. I know it hurts you because I read something I wasn’t supposed to read about me. But I did. I know you’ll always be there for me whenever I need you. And I also know, that if you give up on our friendship, I will regret not asking you to hang out and everything. Putting you second, I will regret that too. I will admit I am selfish. I care a bit more about my other friends than I do towards you. And it’s sad because you’ve always been there for me.

    Lately I’ve been feeling like I am depressed. I don’t think I am though. I don’t know what to think. I am a teenager who probably has a lot of teenage angst, that’s what I think my whole “horrible life” view comes from. I really don’t know where I fit in. I have three best friends that I go to about anything. I usually say five in other things that they are able to read because they would be hurt and I know they would if they knew I didn’t consider them as a best friend. I sounds conceded and I’m not trying to sound it, but it’s true. I don’t know who I really am. Or if I like boys, girls, or both, or if it’s all just a phase and I just like boys. My friends say they think people become lesbians because they can never get a guy. I think that’s the only reason why I think I might be bisexual. I’m just confused and I don’t know what to do. But hey, I guess eventually, I will find out some day. Well, farewell to you all.

    Love always,

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